Toxicity, Delusion, Psychic Purple Undulations
I am a high-level Empath, with mild to strong precognition, and at times the ability to touch things and I guess see other things. I don’t like to talk about it, but no one believes me anyway. Talk to anyone with a so-called “authority title” about things like this and there is no doubt they would try to lock you up.
There are times I wonder if I am crazy, lost, or just plain and simple fucked up. Some of the most “holy people” in the world were not perfect, saintly, or even that good. Most of them basically said, “Be yourself, forget being perfect, live and learn.” I can agree with that. There is this entire aspect of my life that is beyond this world. I know that I am not bad -and, that I am not perfect either. Most “genuine holy people” drank, smoked, had intimate relations, and were just people not pretending to be something else.
Lately, I have been absorbing huge amounts of negativity, stress, and various bad man-made power supplies that emit dangerous amounts of wireless communication energy. I live with, and am around people who I can see are so “black” I feel their tentacles like hungry vampyric parasites feeding on my very life force. Zombies are indeed real as they are people who were once living, but now hollow shells going through empty habitual rote motions. When I get around these types of people I feel like I start “humming” as if I’m attempting to protect myself from them by way of energetic shield sphere.
I used to see things as completely black and white, good and bad, (etc. and etc.). Comic books, Super Heros, Fairy Tale beginnings and Endings were the sustenance that formed some of my being. It was in different forms of literature that I had hoped to find answers to what I was and was doing.
I do admit that the strange, the twilight darkness, and the fringes of understanding were of curiosity. This is where my “germinal metamorphic seed” became life-long Gothic transformation. It is strange to be a “thing” and not know what you will become. Even at this moment, in my cave, I wait for the night to come so that I can rest from all the evil that people do in the day light and know it not.
“All people are fucked up and crazy, but very few admit it. I say I am all of the above and more.”
Truth, Goodness, and Purity were other things I learned about through Esoteric religions and philosophies. Once, I had this insane idea of living a remote, holy life, in an ancient temple pursuing the path to Enlightenment. It wasn’t so much as being Good as it was the wish that I could somehow save my people and world that was always crumbling around us. Maybe I had a “hero complex” or something. Now, I am more like an “anti-hero” and perhaps even less depending who you ask. I learned everything in this world is “fallible.” I have been to different religious temples, churches, fringe groups; I’ve always had the ability to tell how “holy or spiritual” the places or people were. I am sad to say that there are very few if any. I might even go so far as to say “holy and spiritual” are words we use as place holders for things we think are important. It is possible to go a step further and say there is no such thing. Guess it is all in the eye and mind of the beholder and believer.
From my Esoteric studies I have learned you don’t have to be: perfect, good/bad, or anything at all. Basically, the idea is to get the gist of this world, move beyond the veils of understanding, and minimize what karma and suffering that you are able to. Fading from one wheel, past the veils, going beyond.
I was once told that I was: a holy being, a prophet, a healer, a seer. And, I never really believed any of it. All I could think was, “How can I be any of these things when I know how fucked up I am -or rather, believe that I’m fucked up and impure because others have said I am.” I don’t really feel “holy or like a prophet” in the manner that people typically say and know of. All I feel like is that, “I’m here to see, learn, and do and this is my last go around with the wheel.” I know I can do things but I don’t feel special or privileged because I know all people can do them. It’s only because they choose not to believe they can. I think you can wake up and realize how programmed you are, or, submit to blissful contentment.
Overtime, things changed, I changed. The more I engaged the world with my naive programming -it is crazy that when you “wake up” to how the world really is…you learn how led astray you have become. Truth becomes nothing more than subjective justification. Everyone is right in their own mind and only those with money, power, and super-glorified-human ability rule the day. The rest of us are fodder for the cannon. It’s like how can you talk about something serious -that you can do- when the world of people are entirely selective in what they choose to see and believe. People choose what filters -or blinders- to wear. But, what happens when you aren’t wearing any? What if you see so much it overwhelms you and you have no way or words to explain or show other people? I don’t know any card tricks, but, “I can see through you.”
I’ve had my life and my ass handed to me by this world more often I can count. Most of my bad interactions seemed to stem from the fact of my ignorance, and I underestimated how many “evil people” there are in the world. As you know -if you are like me- there is no such thing as “Good and Evil.” Our perceptions are contingent upon our life programming and experiences. Aside from who and what we think we are all humans are basically the same. I think my abilities have caused me problems because they have allowed me to see through things and people so much that -I don’t know how to be apart of the great lie of the world and people. Maybe that is why I have been and have felt an outcast all of my life.
Yes, I do know what it is like to feel utterly “weak and powerless.” Yes, I know what it is like to “think I know something” and “to know absolutely nothing at all.”
One of the things that I have learned about myself is that I am “empathic.” Matter of fact you could call me a better than average sponge with windows of precognition which I don’t know how to use or understand. I soak up so much from people at times I know how people really feel. It’s really no wonder our world is so screwed up. It’s because we are screwed up so to speak.
Like a bunch of rabid vampire squirrels trying to keep that bloody nut. (Gross)
One time, I soaked up too much energy from suicidal people. I could literally tell how much they were suffering and wanted to die. I could tell that they hurt so bad, I almost couldn’t breath, everything started turning black, the thin veil between worlds peels away -and, I could see the “others, waiting.” Death has a strange energy about it and you can feel it -the unlighted, the shadows,…all around. Makes my spine quiver.
I’ve read that once you develop to a certain point, things start to happen. In Esoteric and occult literature it is often spoken that when you practice that you avoid toying with any specific ability. The idea is to let go of those deceptions and keep moving further ahead if you will. At some point, you start to experience troubles, problems, and the build up within you becomes so great, you and others swear you are crazy. I feel like I’m about to shoot out of my body sometimes like a bar of soap in-between wet invisible hands. There have been a few moments I felt so “energy lathered up” I kept discharging small purple sparks every time I was close to something metallic. A couple other instances I bent water in the same manner you can make water bend using a comb and static electricity. I used to practice on a lensatic compass and got good making the needle twitch. I stopped doing those things as I realize it’s not the power you want, it’s the release.
Couple that with a near death experience and a host of other strange experience and you have me. All of my life I have known that I am different from others. It doesn’t make me very special. It can be a burden as it can make others hate you, despise you, and seek to harm you because you are different. Despite my difference from others, I’d still rather be myself than apart of the zombie-herd.
I don’t know. Sometimes I just wished I was fucking normal and fade into oblivion.
I can’t stand being around great numbers of people for very long. It’s like drowning in a weird psychic-sludge-stew. Soaking up to much of it overwhelms me so much that I have passed out. Power lines and communication towers screw me up. There is this communication tower close to my house that is constantly pulsing at all times of the night and day. It leaves me exhausted and restless. Every time they put another dish, antennae, or reflector on it -I can feel the power signal so much more it gives me a headache. Late at night, if you stand outside and it is quite you can feel and hear that son of a bitch.
It’s hard for me to handle specific objects. If I touch something or someone charged in a certain way, I either get a glimpse into the immediate future, or I soak up whatever they are putting off. I also have to be careful about certain types of information I absorb. Since literally all information is connected in one way or another I have the unfortunate gift of being able to see how things relate that are not obvious to some. At other times, I feel intensely drawn to certain objects as I know I will encounter them again shortly.
The only places that are peaceful for me are deeply isolated places away from people, away from man-made power devices and plants, and are more “natural than man made.” Part of me is a night-owl because the “mental-chatter” is not as loud. I like the day-time, but because of all the things people do in the day, they flood the “air-ways” -if you will- with so much drudgery and unfocused garbage -it is like swallowing an endless stream of “psychic poison.” I do like people to some degree but I have to do it (empath) in moderation or I get sick. Even so-called “good people” can be “toxic” in ways you can’t believe. What’s worse than a genuinely good person is “someone trying to be good” can be as toxic as an “evil person.”
There were a few times I tried to talk to people about what I do but, they all think I am crazy for the most part. So, I stopped talking about it. It isn’t like I can fly or anything -just the ability to see ahead a little bit at random times, picking up vibes from things or people I touch, and a general sensitivity to extremely high-energy bands. At one time, I thought I might have Synathesia. From time to time, if I’m feeling good or altered (not on drugs) I see colors. Like at this very moment, that god damn communication tower is pulsing so hard and so fast, that although other people around are completely oblivious to it, it sounds like a fucking high-pitched whining Siren to me.
Lately, I’ve been soaking up tons of “toxicity.” The negativity drains me, swings my abilities almost one-eighty in the opposite direction, waking up what I’ve read are the “darker occult powers.” I have to be careful when that happens as I have caused a handful of dangerous telekinetic events. It’s strange to think that my darker powers expressed -on this plane- seem just as powerful as my benign abilities. The older I get (oh fucking b-jesus), I slowly understand what I’m doing (I think). I don’t ever use my ability because I don’t really want anyone to know because even that becomes a burden. People start expecting things when they know you can do certain things. But, it’s all random and I don’t know how to turn it on or off. It just happens. In addition, I happen to live in an area that is wickedly hellish. It’s an area where everyone sort of looks like a normal native and smile to your face but, really, they are a bunch of evil wicked fucking savages. Often, I feel like where I live -state wide even- is a huge evil psychic vortex.
I have emailed a few organizations about my ability to control the bio-electricity in my body, but have never heard back from any of them. It’s not a big deal as anyone can do it. Basically, that chill you occasionally feel going down your spine -well, I can make it happen several times in succession and most times at will if I am feeling good. I can also generate weak fields with my hands pretty much all the time. I can do the bio-electricity thing a little less than five or six times then I feel tapped out. Probably could do it more if I practiced, but I have no idea what it’s good for. And no, I can’t light a light bulb although that would be pretty cool.
I decided to write about some of this because I am feeling more and more different lately. It would be nice to talk to other people but either no-one believes me or I wind up talking with people who don’t know what I’m going through. Generally, when you start talking about weird shit, then people think you are crazy and we all know how that ends.