Friday, February 28, 2014

Goth - Survivalism (reflections)

...It's numbing to see the numbers of crimes against Goth increase. What is more disturbing are the wars that we wage among ourselves. Kind of like a bad joke, when I read or hear things that happen to our own kind, it makes me feel and remember not-so-great times I have been through. Fights(bad ones), stereotypes, the name calling, fearing for my life -yep, as a Goth, I have been through it all.

It does not make me important, special, or anything to share my story (I don't guess). But for those of you, who are Goth, and have experienced less than what you expected because of bad things, remember you are not alone. I'm not trying to preach to the choir, but until better examples can be set for our kind within and without our ranks, and losing of the cynicism and hate -we still have a very unfortunate fight on our hands. I myself am not against a good fight, but, there is a time and place for everything, and we have to be very careful which battles we choose to engage ourselves in.

Watching the TV, knowing friends are over-seas -the ongoing wars and political struggles...how many times do you see people shot down by automatic gun fire that the chill of death rolls over you and makes you ill?

All across the country every group fighting for their own little piece of right, and me -a nobody- fighting to survive in life myself, without much to speak of, dreaming in the midst of chaos.

Watched a funeral procession,...and there were many cars, and...when I die or my family dies(what family is left) there probably won't be many in attendance. We might not even be able to afford graves. Although, when I die, I want a Viking Funeral Pyre, and let my ashes be carried away on the wind. Even if I have not been welcomed as being some kind of warrior in this life, maybe I will be granted passage to the places where warriors and Gods drink and make merry. Perhaps I will find a woman in death for which I could not find in life.

I also want to remind you that Goth can be beautiful without gore, violence, and of the harshest aspects of our reality, although, it should serve to remind you of the world we live in, and what things and behaviors should be avoided at all costs.

It is because of a very bitter tragedy that I have oddly experience today that, I wanted to reach out to those of you who are fighting for your lives, your expressions, and your own ways of life. Be strong, call yourself to arms and fight with great strength.

Maybe there is truth in that, "It is always darkest before the dawn."

As always, "Long live the Fighters, and, if you are reading my words, you are the resistance."

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Goth - the imitation, the cynicism, the hateful sarcasm, the...shame

...At some point,  you start to wonder,...when does crime, the hate, the cynicism, and the shameless self-promotion of blatant evil make for good Goth or an underground scene?

Do we selfishly make Goth into something that others will not want to know, or ever experience, if there are those within the community that destroy, distort, and defame the entire Gothic Gamut for the rest of us?

So, you do realize that when other Goths fuck up, that shit reflects upon the rest of us? You do understand that? And how do we as Goths conduct damage control? Seriously, think about that shit, "When others in our community figuratively and literally fuck up, it damages, hurts, and destroys us as well."

If you claim to be Goth, you do know that everything in the World Gothic Community is how we will be judged, it will effect how we are treated, and, it will even determine the level the world decides to respect us and our worth.

What will be the consequences for us, when others have destroyed all that we so hold dear?

What happens when other Goths judge every other Goth so harshly, so severely, point out all their flaws, shun them for troubles and problems, and deny them because they do not live up to the egotistical definitions of others idea of Goth?

How can you love the Gothic Hero, if you have not lived up to that expectation? How can you hate the criminal, or deviant, or pervert, or the dreamer, or the lover if you are doing the 'Hypocritical Two Step'?

How can you espouse to love or hate every wicked, vile, bloody distortion of what it means to Goth if you are so fully embraced in denial or hypocrisy that you have not the ability to understand either?

Do you just 'Cherry-pick' the 'Goth-Tree' and accept what only you want and discard the rest? Is your Goth-World the only world that is right in the Universe of Goth? Are your Goth experiences, friends, lovers, fans, customers the only people who are supposedly the 'Goth-Right Wing'?

It has been said that there is no such thing as bad press, but what does that say about those who fully and entirely embrace that maxim, whether they have money, fame, or popularity?

I think it is still sad that many in the modern community (and especially those owners of various internet sites) play the cards of darkness within the hole that is their heart.

They have family, friends, and even customers, and yet time and time again assume no sense of responsibility for the causality and effects they set in motion. Some of them monitor sites, set up scenarios in order to entice others into believing somehow that, there is a reason for all that they do. When it comes to the current entire Gothic World Community, this is the un-debatable truth.

When does sickness, the twisted perception of reality, the vile and hideous distortion of reality become the embracing or selling point of Goth?

How and why would you destroy others in the World Goth Community, whether you thought they were on your so-qualified-and-experienced-level? What makes you so special and precious that your stance in the Goth world makes your words, deeds, and actions hold any merit? Why would you choose to destroy, or laugh at, and shame your own kind, seriously? What do you stand to gain by making others less than the less that you have always been? Think about it.

It seems there are more outlets to sell you something, even if it is a not so obvious sell. Other than the internet, how are we preparing and making the future for the Goth Culture strong?

Do we constantly sell violence, twisted realities, mental problems, steady 4 on the 4 banshee screaming music into oblivion, etc. -do we costume our very essence of self until it is unrecognizable to even ourselves? And, how many more blogs or DIY, or Fashion, or Books do we need to further the argument?

Oh yes, certainly we are the experts. Oh yes, my friend list approves. Oh yes, we are so fully qualified, educated, and experienced to the likes we claim some form of 'Goth-Dom'?

And when the English Nazi's, the Music Nazi's, the Style Nazi's, the Official Super-Star Goth Nazi's come out of the closet and point the fucking bony putrid finger -when and how will true World Goth Culture be defined by these hideous charlatans of selling fictitious generalities only to line their egos and pockets, oh fucking my! As if the world at large does not already hold us as the best of the best on-going, stereotypical jokes to be laughed at for the ages! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!

How fucking laughable!

Do we simply say what we want to hear, see, and say to keep our Sacred Stereotypical Goth safe and secure in our possessions? You like being a stereotype, don't you? Keep playing the same games, don't you? Or, maybe you feel you need to be apart of something, don't you? Certainly there is worth to you in the skin of Goth of which you are portraying, correct?

When was the last time you read something, saw something, or participated in anything related to Goth that wasn't more of the same, and made you think?

Obviously, if you can not think, then by what chance are you Goth?

Goths have always been independent in thought as in life, but now, it seems to be one long endless herd of followers, following those who have nothing to follow than the power of repeating everything that may or may not come into their awareness. Supposedly those of any status within the World Goth Community have no ideals of: History, Ethics/Morality, Consequences, or anyone outside of their followers list. When you really contemplate that, what does it say?

Can you be your own Goth?

Can you be your own Goth without being imitative of all the things that have come before you in Goth?

And, whether you acknowledge the history of Goth(word Etymology, period Literature, and those true pioneers of Goth) the fact is that the history stands.

The history of all things related to Goth are so much stronger, vibrant, and self-sustaining than anything in this modern day that even remotely stinks of a quaft of Goth.

When was the last time you assessed your self-expression as a Goth? Is it original, did you copy it, and how can you tell yourself that you are not lying to yourself? Are you Goth, or, a pot mixed full of whatever you decided throw in, and then write and post pics in order to draw the world into a delusion?

Cynicism - the World Goth Community is saturated like a fat pig sweating in the bloody butcher shop waiting for the slaughter. It really is so much like the status quo that our eye-liner is crying black, or rather, wouldn't it be nice (if any Goth really knew such a thing) that the cynicism, the hateful sarcasm, and...the shame-game left the lips and minds of those who self righteously spew such tomes with every juvenile breath?

Goth has nothing to do with elitism, nor some perverse perception or denial of reality.

So, where do You stand as a Goth, if you so claim to be such a thing?

Monday, February 24, 2014

Gothic Freedom - What is it; what does it mean?

"One person's hero is another person's terrorist." - Anonymous Quote

Freedom Fighter Definition (Wikipedia) - freedom fighter is a person engaged in a resistance movement against what they believe to be an oppressive and illegitimate government.

For those who are Goth, some of you probably understand what this means. For those who are not Goth, I am sure it has its own meaning to you. At this point in time Feb. 24th 2014, our world has truly become more insane than it ever has before. Don't get me wrong, thanks to humanity in general, our entire known history could be considered insane.

Lifestyles of any kind could be considered horrible, or, looked down upon, and yes, this includes Goth. I myself do not embrace all the ideals of Goth, save for the fact that I believe Goth is very closely related to survivalism, and having a realistic outlook on reality. Goth to me also says that, "Goths understand the world is not perfect, and would rather deal with reality, than pipe-dreams and fantasy."

There has never been any defined consensus as to how our 'Gothic Ranks' are supposed to act or conduct ourselves, other than a few goths attempting to make a quick buck off of the lifestyle. I will say however, that there are an extremely few Gothic Individuals who are attempting to set a pro-active example of what Goth could be despite the multitudes of ignorance embraced by not only other Life-Style Cultures, but especially our own.

Ethically, Morally, and in the Stereotypical 'Eyes of the World At Large', the entire World Gothic Community appear to all be deviants, suffering terrible mental problems, and are nothing more than Rebels, Good For Nothings, Childish Foul-Mouthed Perverts, and some of the most egotistical people to walk the earth. But really, is this what we -the World Gothic Community really are? By what standards and practices DO YOU add to the culture in a way that does not destroy it, or make it harder for those who have been living it all of their lives, while you play make-believe?

I also believe books, movies, television, all media outlets have completely turned a Goth-centric life into something it never was, synergistically mixing it with whatever square peg seemed to fit into the ever-so-similar round hole(?). 

At one time, Gothic ideals embraced beauty, honor, respect, and highly loved and espoused all the wonderful virtues of life. Now, it seems nothing brighter than the dark opinionated ignorance that is stereo-typically branded upon our kind. Almost a strange way to think of Modern Goth in a striking contrast to the Original Goths some 2000+ years ago in antiquity.

Because our Gothic Life Style is an extreme of difference when compared with the sheep of the status quo, we in fact become 'terrorist upon the conditioning that sheep know as freedom'. Have you ever thought about the Freedom that we have, or how that Freedom might compromise other Goths, or even Sheep if we pursue our Gothic LifeStyle with an entirely lewd and wreckless abandon. What happens 'after the thrill is gone'?

Freedom also implies a sense of separation. So, what are we separating ourselves from? That is something you seriously need to contemplate. You can still be a good person, have a productive life, and full-fill all your Gothic-Ambitions if you do not compromise your own Liberty and Freedom to be Gothic. But, if there are those who will compromise the lives of all Gothic people by their actions, words, and deeds, then what will be left for the rest of us? Oblivion?

I encourage you to become intelligent, refined, and strong. I also implore you to avoid that of which is not of the Highest Ideals of Refined and Disciplined Gothic Etiquette. 

Sunday, February 23, 2014

I Am Whatever You Say I Am (FU)

Rant, literal and real.

I first heard that line in one of Eminem’s songs by random chance. In a not so different way, I have heard something similar repeated in the music and writing of other musicians.

At this point in my life I can say I honestly relate. And, at the end of the day, people can say whatever they want about me or anyone else. The reality is neither I, nor you, or anyone should give a damn about what someone has to say about you. It doesn’t matter what they think about you, what they say about what you do, or even if they think they assume to know you on any level. For the most part, I will say that this is mostly about people who will for-whatever-reason label you, think or say negative things about you, or make you equal to nothing in their mind and perception.

I did all the homework for my friends in Jr. High, High School, and even College. While all of them were getting accepted to IV league colleges, getting sports scholarships, and getting grants -they were all getting there on my work. And it never meant anything to anyone that I was reading at college level in elementary school.

While bad cops were fronting on people, and setting people up, I was fighting them back, protecting my friends and family, and even people I didn't know but still got in trouble and my ass kicked.

Modern culture, society(Bell Jar), Politicians, Religious Leaders/Groups, Governments –they all can and will use anything against you in the ‘court of life’. Yea, yea, judge not lest you whatever,…but the hard-cold reality is that people do judge. It all comes down to who they are, what they stand to gain, and if they derive some form of worth from you or whatever they can get from you. I’m not saying this is the rule across the board but it does cover a mighty damn large portion.

While people bicker and complain about Ethics, Morality, and Philosophy, I had already read 2000 years worth of history on all the why's and how, and some motherfuckers in this age at the top of every societal totem pole have the right to tell me what is right or wrong(?) - fuck you.

We all go through sh…..schtuff. We all go through this life-school of hard-knocks never really knowing what to expect. As far as some of us know, there is no tomorrow, there is no past,…all we have is the ‘eternal present’.  
 I do make the best of living in the ‘eternal present’, but it gets lonely around people who are either ‘bound by the chains of the past or are dreaming of a future that does not exist’. Hell, if some ladies ever realized the truth of ‘loving the one you’re with’, I might have turned out to be the man they were looking for the whole time (or, 15 mins at a time), while playing games of selfish desperation. Diamonds all look the same until they are cut, polished, and mounted (no pun intended).

To all the stupid bitches that used and abused me, used me for money, used me for a ride, used me for your self-centered good-time, for you sorry pieces of shit that used me as a stepping stone from one dick to the next - fuck you.

To all the motherfuckers who horribly and savagely kicked my ass when all I was ever doing was trying to protect those who could not protect themselves -fuck you.

To all the insane religious and political figures that constantly toy with the minds, lives, and hearts of all of man-kind, fuck you.

To all the perfect girls who thought their pussy was plated with platnium and never stunk, with all your clown-face make-up jobs, and fake-ness all the way through, fuck you.

To all the dumb ass jocks who thought their strength meant jack shit, fuck you.

To all the shit-head friends that were never friends but users who loved to use you when it is only good for them, fuck you.

To all the motherfuckers who think they are better than everyone and me, who think I'm fucked up and the lowest of the low, fuck you.

To all the Stars, Actors, Athletes, and Entertainment industry that rip everyone off with bullshit and live lives that are so fucked up, that your entire lifes work equals shit, and yet you still get awarded and paid, fuck you.

Earlier in my life, I became possessed with my own youth and vitality, and being a little bit more aware than others, led me to a false sense of perception. But, at the same time, I have always done my best to live life to the fullest including: love, passion, sex, drinking, smoking cannabis sativa, spending time with girls who desired me, and living as close to the edge as possible would be an understatement (as long as no harm was done to me or others). So sue me if all I ever really wanted was to live a good life and have as many fantastic experiences as possible, without hurt or drama, or anything other form of garbage.

Yes, I am guilty of living life. Yes, I am guilty for harboring doubt about everything. Yes, I want pleasure and happiness as much as anyone else. Am I really different from anyone else? The answer is no.

There have been tons of unfortunate times, great times, and times I wish I could play back on the fly at any give time. In a way, I’ve grown less embarrassed or self-conscious or afraid about living my life.

There are times I wouldn’t care if cameras were on me all the time: on the crapper, in the shower or tub (best place to sing songs), making love to a passionate beautiful lady, or on long silent adventures to places long-forgotten. I mean really, what is so secret, sacred, or mysterious about our lives anyway? We all basically do the same things. Why wouldn't I want to share all of this with the world saying, "Yes, I am living my life, and, so should you, And, I will till the end."

They call us human, or animals, and I…well, I don’t know what we are other than we are here. It’s crazy trying to duck and dodge all the people who want to control you, or make you believe what they believe, or others forcing you to want whatever they want. Lo and behold you live your own damn life without someone telling or forcing you to live it, no matter what.

In the end: it’s wrong, it’s right, it’s good, it’s bad, it’s never black or white, it’s a fix, or it’s a jam, in the end...

I am whatever you say I am.

After Steampunk is Over, I predict......

Steampunk -ok, yea I know I am focusing on this from the way-side of Goth. But, Goth comes and goes through its cycles and trends (almost never-ending, ha).

Anyway, after I did a lay-mans study on the periods before the 'Victorian Era' which has somehow been superimposed over an idea by K.W. Jeter, we have for the past decade or so been welcomed with Steampunk all over the place, it just made me question it -past, present, future, you know you know.

So, I was thinking about it and asked myself, "What comes after Steampunk, and possibly, the modern world collective slump in Goth (minus all the god-damned DIY, make-up, fashion, and other blogs selling Goth shit 24/7)?"

Doing the comparison with shifts in technology, the transitions of periods in-between fads like Steampunk, everything turned out to look, how do I say, "Extremely clinical, micro-mised technology superimposed into every aspect of our clothes, homes, auto's, etc."

There will be I will call an era of the "Elegantly Technological yet Impoverished Wasteland Style." Kind of like our online second and third lives, laughably paralleled with our boring, non-jacked in lives. More idiots jacked in not only on cell phones, but running into everything else while jacked in on VR.

We might all as well become "plastic," like Andy Warhol said. Pop stars, modern actors, Goth this Goth that, and the rest of us who have been Goth as if anyone cared now have to deal with the parasitic pop trending like of what everyone disliked 15 minutes before now. What a joke, right?

Things will get harder than they have ever been, and almost everyone will attempt some virtual or technological hustle, no different from what is going on now. It might be even more progressive until demands for employment are met when it is obvious that our glorious technology is really nothing without us.

Definitely, with no doubts, people will continue on this new retro-gressive cycle until the early part of the new 1000 years gives birth to the ideas of the newer collective generations. Oddly enough though, this primitive cycle has not turned over its generous worth of steaming-dung-beetle-hubris.

Perhaps, an exemplified indulgence of refined shapes, colors, and edges. A stark contrast between the technologically clinical, and the impoverished, second-hand-and-dying Victorian look of Steampunk, mixed with whatever new flab fashion or trend adorns the ever-so-new and wonderful walking flesh-bags.

Hmm, a look of technological abstraction-ism mixed with a futurist Metropolis, with all the delicious wonderings of art nouveau beaten into an art deco oblivion.

And Goth, I think it will continue to be the same three things it has always been: the rich, the poor, and the dead.


Saturday, February 22, 2014

Remember, that you will.....

.....die, one day or night.

From a very early age, I can remember looking around my class, and thinking to myself, "Which of us would make it, and which ones would not?" Hard to say why such thoughts would even rise. Being young did not keep one free from seeing the change we call death. So many friends, families, those who were close to us in this long protracted death we call life.

Some say that if you repent, have remorse, or still have feelings for those you have lost in life in one way or the other makes you weak. But, those of a refined Gothic Life understand that, this life too shall pass. It has nothing to do with politics, religion, or ill-guided philosophy. It's just a stark reminder of the reality that we live in.

I do find myself missing friends, family, and being alone at this time -those who were my closet lovers, those people who crossed the edge, and took me to the edge and back. It seems lovers come and go, but there are nights alone in bed, where I wish...for a moment to relive those simple shadow throws in the night.

I think I repent for I have not embraced the fact of death enough to fully embrace and enjoy life. I do not think I always appreciate every second of life, as it dwindles into a nothing, never to return. I think I have remorse because maybe I have not appreciated all the living, yet dying actors upon this world stage. More seem to leave than return to their final applause.

I think I regret not loving others in the best way that I am capable. I think I regret not being able to love every lover with all that my passions will allow. I think I detest all the hurt, the emotional duress, or all the evils I may or may have not brought upon others. Maybe it is a flaw of mine to want the best for others, and  yet, I do fail at times. Maybe my idea of love is antiquated and completely out of commission. Maybe chivalry and being some kind of anti-hero was not the most virtuous path to follow.

If I could change things, I have no idea if I would. Give it all away, probably. Morn all those that I have lost due to my own ignorance, my own imperfection, my own foolish zealousness as if I could conquer the world as a hero daring to fly where only fools and angels dare. Yes, the sky is filled with them all, and yet, I stare in awe and wonder at them from the tomb of the cold earth.

From different belief systems, and personal hard-learned lessons, understanding the un-ending change towards some fickle finality never seems to inspire the lucid revelation that there might be something more than this.

Oh these bones, for what other bones have they loved? And, have other bones loved these bones? I know not, though the memory of having my bones loved at least once, would be more than never having my bones loved at all. Covered in the costume that is this thing we call skin -does it really convey all we have to offer one another when all other material things have vanished into the parlor of a bottomless abyss? Or perhaps a pendulum swings until its final stroke sounding the end of all that is the music of life. Maybe I fear the music of death as much as being without a lover. Maybe isolation and loneliness is a cruel form of deprivation that ends the flames of the soul -if such a thing exists.

Make the most of all of your time if you can. Love other bones as if they were your own bones.

Remember, that you will...

Friday, February 21, 2014

New Art - Gothic Buddha Series 1

Been working on a little bit of digital art. Simple three or four layers.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Poem: Naked, I am

Stark, yet how could I shudder
Paralyzed, exposed with no cover
I know the laughs
How could I ever satisfy
Those lips
The same ones that kiss
The lips that hold tears so dry
If I looked into your eyes when we made love
Then you know every reason why

If ever there was a hollow
I know that hallow has become me
That hallow has become me
Who needs eyes when you can't know truth

And in my hallow
Another's shadow haunts me
For if I was a man
That man has left me

Age and times pass
Beyond the empty bottles
I once knew a girl
She was the proof
That a fool is all I'd ever be
A fool blind in truth to see
How easily I could become nothing

If ever there was hallow
I know that hallow has become me
That hallow has become me
Who needs eyes when you can't know truth

And in my hallow
Another's shadow haunts me
For if I was a man
That man has left me

Time is not so cruel
Promises of a sweet end
Tickets to punch and clocks to wind
Prayers to make upon the unholy life we dine

In these two small hands
I dreamed I touched your face
As if it were a last request
To know the taste of grace
If I said I wanted to know your lips
Would you make me wait

Stepping into the hall
A room for every kind
If there is space
Then I guess there is time
When you forget me not
Nothing has come, all is well
If we pass at the gates
Let us hope it leads not to hell

If ever there was a hollow
I know that hallow has become me
That hallow has become me
Who needs eyes when you can know truth

Naked, I am
Before you with nothing to say
If hurt is a blessing of our years
I hope you're not the last to pay

Cult of American Fear

America, we have become not only the most feared, but also those who fear themselves.

Entertainment, Media, Internet –all of these forms of information have not only ultimately pacified us, they have created and born new fears. These fears have been eternally burned into the hearts and minds of billions -not to mention the future generations that will suffer.

Not only do the Police police us, but we have been taught to police and spy on ourselves. Not only do the shamers shame us, we have been taught to shame ourselves. Not only do the judgers judge, but we judge ourselves into nothingness. Where our hearts were, we replaced them with machines.

Governments, ill-guided Philosophies, Brain and Life-distorting Religions at this time, have seriously led all of us astray. And, they further our loss by further teaching us how to lead ourselves astray. Billions of blind, deaf, and dumb, leading billions of blind, deaf, and dumb.

Nothing is sacred and profane anymore. For we have become exactly like the machines and technologies that we create. No longer are we free sentient beings, but flesh-bags with numbers and no more possessed of souls than of hope for the future. We have turned away from the ancient and universal laws of truth and life. We have forgotten ourselves in the schemes of things and have made ourselves miniature gods -playthings for those who control money and blood.

Sure, our lens and personal perceptions can be made to see ourselves and the world around us any way we so choose, but how by that power do we also blind ourselves into the darkest abyss of denial?!?

What is the world without our ideologies and perceptions superimposed upon it? Is it possible to know who you are and all that is external to you without some form of programming? Do you manipulate, control, or program others through your own programming? And, why in the hell do we have to be programmed with any set of given ideologies at all?

The Cult of American Fear has led us to: never get dirty, be falsely and political correct, live pseudo-lives of concoction, pacify ourselves against real truth, always follow someone else’s made up rules, praise others for things that aren’t worth praising, deceive ourselves as to what true freedom and happiness really are.

In the Cult of American Fear, our culture and country is the very big stick that stirs up an entire world of Hornets. And, we never wonder why it is that we get stung. We claim to fight for happiness and freedom, and yet have become as despotic, as totalitarian, and as fanatical as any who promote and exercise terror in the world!

In the Cult of American Fear, we have praised and made human-gods out of people who are paid more attention than those who have real ability to lead. Entertainers of all kinds, including musicians, actors and others have become more important that Teachers or Doctors. Sadder still is that, Teachers and Doctors do not get paid enough or have enough training to do the best jobs that they could do. The worth and health of your very life comes down to a damned piece of green paper with empty symbols of a child-like race bent upon bullying itself into submission and death.

In the Cult of America Fear, our Government and Politicians have become laughable stereotypes playing the same rehashed games year after year that no-one even remotely believes in. Well, you only believe in them when you stand something to gain, right? Even the leaders we Romanticize in history(such as Presidents) have done no better than any other leader since the beginning of American History. And lo and behold we like and support the offices of Government that function under three-letter monikers, as shadow groups supposedly enforcing justice? How insanely laughable!

In the Cult of American Fear, GOD is in the Screen(TV, Computer, Cell Phone). More pilgrimages are made to sit in front of the ‘Screen’ than family, friends, or any other object of attention in the world. Technology has become more important than: sleeping, eating,..or...or LIVING!!!

In the Cult of American Fear, we have learned to: not trust one another, not to love one another, to spy on one another, TO HATE AND KILL ONE ANOTHER!!!


In the Cult of American Fear, we are setting the world stage for such a future to the likes that the ‘sun turning sock-cloth black’ will be a laughable parody on our very lives. Who needs to fear the apocalypse when most of us are in fact living it every day of our fleeting lives!!!

In the Cult of American Fear, who needs the long dark night of the soul, WHEN IT IS ALREADY UPON US !!!

In the Cult of American Fear, my Family suffers and has paid the price…dearly. I can not take care of my family because of the way America is!!! My family suffers because America is not the land of milk and honey!!! Many in my family have died, the family of my friends have died, the entire American History of people who have died FOR NOTHING!!!

In the Cult of American Fear, the future being created now becomes the END OF TOMORROW! Your life has no worth in this Cult for you have become nothing more than a sacrificial Lamb for the Slaughter!!!

In the Cult of American Fear,…all I ever wanted was to live a FREE MAN, but sadly, I am afraid…that I…have lost my life.

In the Cult of American Fear, I fear the Cult of American Fear.






In the Cult of American Fear...............we have become FORSAKEN!

Poem: Family Dollar Sign

Family doesn't mean nothing to a dollar sign
Everythings fine and dandy, then when you're broke
Everyone loses their mind
When we were kids we thought things were fine
When we found out our worth
Never again did the sun shine
We would be made economic social cast slaves until the grave
It's a pity that the strongest love doesn't have enough money to save us all
I remember burying our family which we literally couldn't afford
It's a shame to think it is cheaper to have the body burnt to ashes
As kids we used to think everything would be ok, but the Family Dollar Sign took our hopes, our dreams, our lives, and our families away
Family Dollar Sign, I hate you
And, I especially hate the people that created you.
Family Dollar Sign, has made Family worthless

Poem: Wanted to be a Hero

Strange what you want to be
Then when it's all played out, and you have lost
Oh this price of life, seriously I have lost
What is left to gain, another day of peace?
Peace isn't what I have, just pieces that don't fit
Wanted to be a Hero
Protect those who could not
Set an example for good, but good I don't got
It is what it is, a fool trying to rise but down shot
If I could smile, could only wish it was in truth
Trapped between infinite age, and a forever lost youth
Wanted to be a Hero
So many loves and lives slipped through my hands
I just can't live up to all that modern society demands
What family I have that is left, they want to be right
Still, and still they are swallowed by the left
Art, Music, Sex, Religion, they are all the same to me
Funny how the world hates those who differently see
Wanted to be a Hero
Better yet to be a joke
No dollar bills in my pocket, soulless I feel broke
Gave away my dimes, given in return six to twelve months in evil chimes
Ding, Ding, can you hear the lonely love bird humans sing
If the song they sing is the way I speak, there isn't a note for us to keep
All the lovers that got away, I didn't have enough drugs, sex, and good time
To keep them close enough to the enigma that is this heart of mine
Wanted to be a Hero
With arms embraced around my frailty, memories leave no comfort
If I had enough rocks
Thrown at me by those that hate me, I would build a fort
A place to be safe for once where and when I am not scared
I let go, even the pain of that release can never satisfy
So I write the words to replace the tears that I can not cry
I wanted to be a Hero, I wanted to be your Hero
Maybe heros are really fools in disguise

Unlight - Living in the world unseen, unforgiven. (Reflections)

It is strange living in the Unlight. There is this entire sphere of political correctness where, it is just as insane as the P.C. groups accuse us, "The Outsiders." When you live in life there is no template, how-to, or a yellow-brick-road with travel companions to keep to stead-fast to the strait and narrow. No, there is just this "long hard road out of hell."

I've been beaten down, was even homeless a few years, held the hand of some of the last of my family as they have died.

Stopped at accidents that, I knew what was left of the horribly mangled bodies,...that still had life, would not make it. Do you know what it is like to stand by the thing that is a body, and yet, it is crying for it's mother in its last breath?

 For years, I had to learn how to raise myself in manner where try and fail is the only rule.

I know the savage jungle of society. I've taken the beatings of the self-right, the perfect people, the beautiful people, those who rule through corruption and power.

 Art, music, and writing have been the only outlets than have been more stable than any girlfriend I have had. Their love never dwindles, it only gets better with time.

I have been in so many bands including the styles: black metal, speed metal, and industrial. Geographically, I'm kind of stuck as there are no real outlets, save for a few who are trying. I've been told if music doesn't make any money, then, it will never get played, or asked to play a show.

I guess I will never see those opportunities again. It's weird, people want real, and when the real steps forward, they call it crazy and deny it. If your only escape is creating, then, what do you do when so many deny you? I think in some ways I can relate to some of the philosophy of Anton Szander LaVey; Sometimes you have to create and get lost in your own world, and, become someone else when the old you was killed and crucified by the world it so much wanted to be apart of.

Sometimes you don't know how nice it is to be treated as something that has a life, I guess. Honestly, I really feel I live in the Light, but many call it Darkness and Shadow. I know forgiveness, compassion, mercy -and my passion for the arts that transcends the stars.

Sadly, I may never know the stars, but, I am sure the dust from my bones will. Currently, I have been making a darker form of gothic folk, gospel, and minimalist electronica. I've been told that it is all strange and different. But, I feel all expressions are valid expressions, no matter how they are taken.

Maybe it is the expression less agreed upon or found that gives some validity to an original and pure life.

There was a night long ago that, I skated on the ice of a drive-way. On that ice I skated with a red-hair fairy under the purple moon-light. She loved me and I did not know why. She told me that no matter what happened to me in life, to keep being me, and fight against the world that destroyed you. She liked White Zombie, smoking Marboro Reds, and drinking the fuck out of beer and whisky. To her, getting hammered was an understatement. I guess you could say a girl taught me everything I know when it comes to throwing down. Doesn't make me feel less of a guy. Actually, it makes me feel good to know that someone gave enough of a flying fuck about me to show me the ropes getting lost in a bottle, or, in the sack. Sadly though, she died a terribly death. I'm still fucked up about that one.

I'm always attempting to do better. Sins, fuck-ups, and the politically correct society just will not cease in hating me, or punishing me, like a world so full of haters, it makes me question my own life and its purpose. I have no other choice but to live it, Goth or other-wise. A majority of my friends left me for more circles of money, power, music, and drugs. I didn't have enough of those things, so, they shit on me and left. They always said I was crazy, and I thought I was just passionate enough about life to live it.

Damned how even when you live it,...that so many will do whatever it takes to beat you down. No shit. So, here I am in the Unlight, living, attempting to write and make music like it's no ones fucking business. It has been insanely difficult and, I rather hit the joint, the bottle, a hot chick, and just put it all fucking down in the studio. No reservations, no bullshit, no commerciality -just strait up -Here are my words, here is my pain, here is my fucking expression, and send it out into the world.

Most people write about Unicorns, Partys, and dance songs into oblivion. I want to make music that reaches deep into your heart, mind, and if you have a soul -take them out and show you who you are. Wouldn't it be something if music could really do that for you?

 I...really feel trapped, unsure, repressed, unfullfilled, wanting things that I can't have and no one will give to me. What are those things? Probably the same things we all want and desire and have to bullshit and suffer until we get a little bit of peace.

 Anyway, I just wanted to reflect.

One day I might have a chance to live a life that doesn't feel like death, to be around people that don't hate me for the sake of hate because I look, think, or live differently. People who realize that we are all imperfect and don't desire to crush my skull with a stone because I am not like them.

I went for a walk today, no one smiled at me, they all just laughed. I watched the sun go down and now spending time with my family, talked to a awesome writer, and here I am now, writing to you.

 Hello, Hello, ..... is anyone out there.

Once I had skin
Once I had eyes and bones
Once I had a shell And now
I am a ghost
And now I am a shell

 Goth in the Shell

*Acid Baths 'Bleed Me an Ocean'* Plays in the background.

Truth - Doors 'When you are Strange'

Didn't feel like I really needed to write much on this one as it is pretty self explanatory.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Goth - A choice to Live or Die

The closet was full of books from the 17th century on to the present. Although it was not much of a house, it was adorned with all the decor of a by-gone age. My Grandmother raised me, frail, religious, waiting 30+ years to be re-united with her husband past -the Grandfather I never knew. I read the letters, the cemetery plot documents, family history going all the way back to the three Mary's. When she died, we had lost almost everything, and the few small things that remained we placed into storage, which was eventually lost.

It is hard to grow up in poverty, pushed the limits of survival, and yet entered into a world that is Goth, and yet as a child never knowing. Graveyards were places of mystery, but also the place where our bodies are placed into a hole, and those who miss you -whoever that might be- say sweet nothings and cry, if, they do cry that is.

I don't think Goth was a conscious decision I ever made or set out to be. Most of my clothes were hand-made, the house I grew up in was always falling apart, the neighbors all from by-gone generations......I grew up upon the dust and bones of a forever lost.

When you grow up in poverty, everyday is a struggle, middle-class and rich people can never fathom or even remotely begin to understand. Perhaps a real understanding of Life and Death, knowing extreme pain and hardship, and knowing that hurt is beyond just a word or a feeling...........this way, I have walked.

Some might compare truth Goth with Realistic/Stoicism/Survive; the darker aspects of our world don't need to be fantasized, or imagined. No, they can be enjoyed -if you will- while reading books falling apart in the midst of poverty and life-deprivation, looking at the on-goings of the world from afar, while suckling upon the bones and remains of what is given unto you.

Even to this day, I see the world how it is, and yet, struggle with how I know it can be. Goth is as much about the Light as it is the Darkness, but, only the Darkness seemed to be Romanced by rebellious types, and those who think it is a cute and clever life-style to emulate. The most Gothic people I have ever known never wore black, make-up, or any attempt to dress up as if everyday were Halloween.

I once worked as a sales representative/funeral director for about 2 weeks. After those two weeks, I saw more bodies, more death, and more suffering than is entertained as fun and glorious on any social network. Bodies frozen like ice, bodies of children bloating from summer heat, bodies pushed up from the ground because of the water-table, bodies burnt to be put into urns, bodies buried on top of bodies and graves long forgotten on the cemetery placement plot.

Death is neither Romantic nor Glorious. It is the end. Death is the end of a life-long protracted period of dying. Death is what we all have to look forward to when our life, and long period of protracted dying is over. It is better to live in truth and I feel that is what living a Goth life is about.

Anne Rice once said to go where the pain is in order to write things that were real, that spoke truth, things that were not just stories, but realities.

So, why choose to live a Gothic Life? I say it is better to live in truth than to live in a constant state of imagination, or, self-denial.

We only know our Freedoms by the Limitations we have imposed upon us. Freedom also implies separation. So, what are we attempting to separate ourselves from, or do we come to realize the extant of the Gothic-Shell, the hardest truth, the ultimate zenith of our lives that will end in Death.

To be free from dying, which is life, perhaps equals the Freedom of Death. Freedom From the false illusions and denial we hold in life -these are the things we as Goth separate ourselves from.

For there is no Shadow with Obstacle, nor Darkness without Light, and no Life without Death.

As above, so below, the Pendulum will forever sway to the truest will of our direction. That is why those of us who live by such a path seem so different from others.

Pain, I know pain. If you want to know pain, try on my skin for a while and see if it wears well.

Because ultimately, Goth is a choice to live or die, and for the most part to live truthfully until we die.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Impetuous, taking chances, failing miserably

Take chances, fail, fail a million times, fail -until you succeed. It's the same way with anything in life. From a Gothic point of view -(fade to reality) it's a daily lesson learned well. I'm not proud of the fact that those I would call my own kind of still hide in the shadows, behind screen names, and are 9 to 5'ers without anything that speaks to who they are. Even the movie and TV stereotypes still suck.

Yes, yes, yes - I know that the world is hateful, spiteful, and totally un-excepting of the life styles of the multitude. But really, when do you stand up and embrace what makes you different? When do you find the beauty and strength to be more than another pic or blog online, selling your soul to make a difference in life?

Billions of 'I I I ME ME ME MY MY MY's all screaming louder than an entire world dedicated to attention whore-ism. Or, are we hustlin' everyday like Rick Ross? Seriously, which one is it.

Me, I'm impetuous(not always), have taken more chances than I can count, and, have failed more than anyone I personally know of. I know, there are those among you saying, "You suck!" Yea, well, if I suck, then I suck like no one has ever sucked before, I suck with a purpose, I make it my point to suck so hard and so long, that one day, I will be the master of 'suck' (lmfao!). But on the real, freebies don't come without a price, a reason, or a prescription for the patient in need.

I personally feel that online social networks, pics (nude or other-wise), music -it just isn't enough to get the entire 'Goth' or 'Underground' experience. In a way, I think you only get that by living it. When it comes to business, I'm always going to hold a reservation about playing people to make a buck. But, if you enjoy what  you do and it is apart of your life, then so be it.

When it comes to Goth and Underground, you really do have to be impetuous, take insane amounts of chances, and be willing to fail when we all know that you can only 'get in where you fit in'. And, if there isn't a place, you have to make it, and if they won't give it to you, you have to take it. No shit.

If you are in the Goth or Underground, or Geez, even the Steampunk arena, then take chances. Don't concern yourself with what others are saying or doing. Re-define the playing field, show the world what the real new new is. Be a leader always, and follow when it's entertaining, but not at your own expense.

Goth and Underground are about choosing to become 'aware' to some degree of those things the regular status quo is not, or will not admit to. It is also learning about yourself.

Heck, I've learned even http://www.steamgirl.com/ need love too.

Diversity, "Why not?"

We all want to be somebody, or sometimes, many somebody's. I say, "Why not?" Maybe one day, you want to be a sinner, the next a saint, or somebody famous, or a strait-up no-body.

As human creatures, I think our complexity just calls for it. From our families, to our friends, and the world in general; all of us have a huge diversity (or personae) that we take on from day to day. This is should not be confused with M.P.D. (multiple personality disorder).

Our personal relationships are the same way. Why not be the Alpha Male one minute, then, totally submissive to a beautiful woman? Or, a fierce independent Woman one minute, and then a Super-Vixen that makes every man's dream come true? I say, "Why not?"

In this world, you can literally be anything, or multiple anythings that you want to be. Entertainment (the Grand Art of Illusion) does this every single day. Those being actors and musicians rely heavily on those principles. At the same time, many balance reality with fiction. But, I believe we are at a point where those lines are past that of blurring, and have become 'one in the same'.

Goth, Country, Ghetto, Modest, Prude, Villain, Hero - you name it. I think we, and 'You could have it all'.

Maybe I want to go to church one minute, then run naked through the fields with pagans. Maybe I want to be a folk music singer, then, turn around and sing Goth, Country, Rap, or even Polka.

Maybe I want to tell everyone in the world that I love them, and then, turn around and tell everyone to fuck off. "Why not?"

Maybe I want to get totally hammered, and then go on a purity quest. Maybe I want to be totally chaste, and then find a Woman that unleashes my wild frontiers. "Why not?"

Maybe I want to be a conservative-prudish-quaker, and then just completely jump off into the world of latex and alternative life-styles.

Why limit yourself to the total sum of the experiences you could have? Life is not this zero-sum game where you have to play (so-to-speak) a life-role one certain way. Hell, if we were all the same and acted in one-way, what type of boring ass world would that be? We would not have movies, music, or any other form of entertainment. The same applies to who you are in the world, and, behind closed doors. Or, the way you are with friends and family as opposed to your companion.

We are entirely to vast and complex as human creatures (well some of us), just to live a mono-toned, one-dimensional life. Carl Jung spoke of the Archetype, and we are filled to the brim with those Archetypes.

I say, change, experiment, and diversify. Explore the limits of who you are, what you can do, and, what you can become. As long as what you do isn't hurting yourself or others, "Why not?"

We are all going to live once so far as anyone really knows, so, "Why not?"

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Problems with Alternative and Fetish Life Styles

It's funny to think how all these splinter-cell groups of BDSM, Fetish, and alternate Life Style groups think they are safe.

For years, political, religious, and law-enforcement have acted on their own, and in joined efforts to weed out these groups the world over.

Many of them use dating sites, online social networks, and even go to the trouble of setting these sites up. For one, a prime example is FetLife.com. This site is exclusive run by various governmental branches. And yet, these groups think they are safe. But, truthfully they are not.

This is true for all mainstream fetish and alternative sites on the web (unless they are in a law-less 3rd world country). Not to mention, the ones that are not controlled by certain authorities will bow down at any moment they feel the heat.

So, what can you do? The obvious thing is stay offline, or do not post things related to whatever you are doing. Of course, you might be one of the few who is safe, off the grid, using a totally anonymous connection, fictionally pretending to be apart of something you are not -but seriously, most are not about shit, nor worth the time to even play pretend with.

What is even worse than authoritarian groups is that, even the fetish groups espouse tenants of elitist jargon, using sex and whatever else as a brain-washing bargaining chip. It's like they say, "Look at what we are doing and what you aren't, unless you bow down to our demands." Rather fucked up, don't ya think?

At best, all you can do is luck out, or find someone(s) and get into whatever you are looking to try or experiment with. All online mainstream Goth sites are out as they are directly controlled or have already been busted by Big Brother. Nothing of genuine worth exists within the states, and if it does, it is kept highly under wraps as the Gov. in Amer. has zero tolerance for fetish life or alternate life styles. But, what do you expect from a Gov. totally and completely founded upon old Roman-Justinian precepts, candy sprinkled with Christianity.

What you do, how ever you do it, with whoever you do it with, stay off the grid. If you are in Amer., don't fool yourself as there is a legal wolf infiltrated in every major fetish site, alternative life style site, and many of the popular groups in the states. It is the same for the more 'Democratic' countries of the world.

As always, don't be fooled. Big Brother knows more about what you are doing than you think he does.

Stay Alert; Stay Alive.

On the Real - This World, I live here, and.........die here -Tortured

Words...what the hell are they? Really? Sure, we got a great big world full of smart people to explain them, but what about these(?):

How do you explain the life of someone you used to know? Someone who was closer than your own skin? They live thousands of miles apart from both sets of their families, and still, they continue to destroy themselves with a weird form of self-guilt? And yet, you are to blame?

How do you tell kids their mom is sick and in the hospital and if she doesn't get well, she might die?

How do you bring peace to your family when hell is less than the one pay-check away that's not even holding everything together? And, tomorrow is going to be even worse?

How do you re-connect with your friends when they don't know if they think you’re worth one minute of their time? And, the ones you almost connected with again always fall out of reach?

How do you fall in love again when the consensus is that you are not worth loving? Other than my family, I can't remember what is like to be held, kissed, or touched by a familiar companion. I almost don't know what it is like to be a man -especially when most of my day to day interactions are spent around people who basically equate me to 'shit'(literally).

How do you make sense of a crazy world when the religious and the political are equally nuts, bringing all the crazies out of the wood work?

How is it the smartest people and the people with the most power can't figure out the fact they are messing everything up -entertainers included?

How can you tell people who have everything that people who have nothing don't live in the same la-la land as they do? Do they know what it is like to live off of water, two loaves of bread, and a package of bologna for a month?

How can you tell a country you want to be apart of it after it has shut you down and taken your entire life from you?

Why does the world get off on shaming people, rubbing their faces in their mistakes, and making a daily martyr out of anyone who makes for a hot-topic, or something fun to laugh at?

These are not all the questions that I have, but, am going through them all. Most of the time I do my best to talk (or write) about positive stuff in hopes it would spark a different direction. Perhaps (as I have always been told), my spark just isn't big or powerful enough due to a strange world-effected bicycling accident?

On the real though, if the entire world is ablazed in madness, then how do I (in complete sanity) ever find the means to just stop, find clarity, and let it all go for the sake of peace?

I honestly meet these obstacles head-on, but, I get shamed, I get beat down (massive medical to put me back together), I get robbed (time takes life like hurtful words take breath).

Older people I have been around (seniors) -they just get so set in their ways and jaded that other people’s boundaries and comfort zones are nothing more than sandcastles to destroy just because they let age drop them to zero. Everyone suffers, but why push it into others face and insult them just because you can.

Bullies: let me tell you what. I have lived, been around, and experienced more bullying in my life than I have friendship: old men, old women, jaded guy friends/girl friends, people I don't know. And yet, I let it go. I forgive them -granted, I know what I can do but that really won't make a damn because then, I'd be just like them -miserable and attempting to justify an ignorant-ego with no real control over life. Sounds like the governments of the world right now. A bunch of suited bullies, right? Who-da-thunk-it?

On the real: I'm not religious and certainly not political. More or less, what's wrong with people just getting along and living a good life day to day? For as long as I have been alive, that has never been the case. I just don't understand where being 'evily-competitve', 'ego-driven', 'self-righteous', or anything resembling any of those have ever helped anyone. Actually, I've watched the world set ablaze by those things.

At this point in my life (if I could call it that), I know what I am and what I am not. In every way am I aware of my limitations -even the but-end of every stereotypical, life destroying joke and insult. They say you can smile inside without actually smiling. Is it hard to say that it really hurts? Is it hard to say that I live on a planet full of people, but feel absolutely alone? Is it hard to say my greatest fear is being alone? Is it hard to say I feel I'm living a life that I am not getting to live at all?

I had this dream. I was inside a small house on a mountain beside a desert with a lake to one side. The house was like an exotic temple. Awaking into the dream, it seemed if I dreamt of a beautiful girl with whom was my companion who had loved me the entire night through. Strange to have a dream within a dream. The smell of incense, the taste of bitter-sweet red wine upon the waking tongue, the softness of the sheets upon my naked reposed body. From a distance, I could hear her singing, and she was coming near to me -half naked, draped in half sheet, a hand with an over-spilling goblet. And at the first taste of fresh wine, I awake, covered in sweat, in the darkness of the hell with all the same questions beating their way out from inside the hollow that is my skull.

If ever I dream, I awake. If ever I awake, I dream. What is the reason to be snapped from pleasure in-between any other hellish state???

For all of our words, for all of our stories, for all of our suffering, it seems we can not snap ourselves out of suffering into anything that remotely feels of a moment of peace.

On the real: I looked over the world and heard the people of the world singing the demonic-remix of a chaotic Carmina Burana. And, if the entertainers, talking-heads, and politicians pick up and start singing in time, oh how I hope there is not a spark powerful enough to end it all.

Even if were all to end, I suppose I would be stricken from the harshness of the present dream, to somewhere in-between the lines of pleasure and pain.

Forgive me not because I am a sinner, for that much is obvious. Forgive me because I could not catch you in a dream. Perhaps I was drunk upon an illusion. Perhaps I was drunk upon a woman in a soft bed.

Perhaps, I am standing in a world ablaze, stone-cold sober, while the world simply burns?

On the real: I lived there, I lived there,….it was all………..a Dream.