Saturday, September 28, 2013

The Worth of Goth - Revisited

One million meditations do not always give the right or best answers. Although, there comes a time when the 'being' moves past the 'Gateless Barrier'.

Exploring the 'self (ego)' is a practice of ageless wisdom. To understand what it is and means to be 'Goth' might also imply understanding the filters of perception through-which we come to transcend ourselves, and the world.

Our reality consists of an infinite amount of paths. Our reality consists of whatever we are -if such exists-, then perhaps, an awakening of our 'awareness'. Goth has been something comparable to 'Buddhist' paths of realization or awakening. For one, awareness of the impermanence of life. Couple this with the fact that many learned Goths understand the 'bones of vanity', the 'fleeting moments of now-ness'.

Any path can lead however such as the ego compels it so forward. But, for the Goth, which road should one take? Is it the 'ego of expression', the 'Gothic cult of personality', or 'the doubtful rebellious path of rebellion?' To each and their own I suppose. But, to 'own an ego of Goth'?

Many are the tools we use to sharpen the wit, to smooth the stone, and reflect there-upon the creature of whatever it is that we are. Goth, a million roads - to that of light, darkness, or becoming more than the Ghost in the Shell?

To know thine-self is knowledge, and for those who follow a Goth Path - perhaps a greater understanding of the ego? What is Goth? A self-defined creation of filters, a lens of perception, a collection of attributions reflective of what the individual ego is capable of grasping?

Maybe, Goth is a reflection of the sides of 'human-reality' that isn't always acknowledged. From seedling Goth to well-cured Goth-Lived-Artisan, perhaps it is valid to say this is one more way of transcending the self.

All paths in life are indeed as different as they are the same, but, is it the life you lead, or that of which you are led?

I believe Goth is one more instrument of self-reality used by many to elucidate their sense of self and ego. A tool by which a being learns more about themselves. A sense of awareness that shapes the very filters of perception as to how one might perceive and interact with the egos sense of reality.

'A being stood before the world'
'A being chose to become Goth'
'A being walked the path of Goth'
'A being transcended the path and became Goth'
'A being became aware and left all paths behind'

Goth, it is the great nothing through which the person transforms itself beyond the means of realization.

I found Goth, I transcended Goth, I left Goth.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Gothic Literature History - Timeline 1

Source: http://www.mesacc.edu/~jerol76351/235/

Friday, July 5, 2013

Song to the Siren - To the edge, and falling over

Planet of the Lone Goth


EXT. Planet of the Lone Goth - eternal night - establishing -- NIGHT

A painted silhouette stands looking back at the normal world.

So, this is what it feels like to be alone.

Hands touching invisibly across the distance, as if to touch the normal world so far away.

For I would say I have a life, but, I recognize impermanence.

One hand held before the face, its lines a reminder of change.

To the edge, and falling over...I know I will never go back.

Falling over the edge of a huge crack, LONE GOTH falls inside the planet, becoming a seed. The crack closes. Then, the planet pulses, and disappears.


Milk - Session 2: Obsession

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Top Mens Gothic Fashion - Collection 1

These are some of my picks. As long as you can mix or match -or, at least create something within approximation, you will be fine. Goth is more than face paint and accessories. It can be a highly fashionable state of self expression.

Diversity of Goth Girls

 I think all of these girls are beautiful in their own ways. To be unique is to be beautiful.

Milk - Session 1: Obsession

white girl nobody knows what that shit is HD Wallpaper

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Gothic Characterization - Me I guess

Since I have been posting on Goth in the Shell, a couple people asked me to do an "About me" post. I never thought about it because GITS was more or less a place for me to gather Goth related stuff that I liked and contemplated. This isn't going to be an expose' or anything so don't get your hopes up(lol).

Life and love are two of the most important virtues of Goth. Music, style, fashion, literature -these things matter the least to me when it comes to Goth. It's just a way of life and a mind-set.

Intelligence is something many Goths pride themselves on, but, I've never thought of myself as being very bright. Mainly I say this when I take into account how many people have told me I am stupid over the years.

The only thing I have consistently done in my life is "be myself". Outside of that, I have gone through the same life-obstacles and set-backs many have.

I love to write. I really suck at it, and have made terrible grades in English, barely getting better in college. The only thing I ever thought was important about writing was whether you were understood. I'm blunt most of the time, but not so much that everything is cynical, sarcastic, or hurts someone. Granted, there are times I get angry (my bullshit alarm goes off), and yea, I've been known to get into some heated arguments.

It has been said that "everyone lies". You know, I believe I missed that "obvious truth of life". The consequences of being truthful and straightforward (in this world) can cause problems.

If I'm wrong, I admit to it. And, I apologize when I feel it is really merited. I may be an asshole sometimes but I'm not a total jerk-wad.

Most of the things I write about come directly from "real life". I'm not good at story-writing, although I'm signing up for some classes to improve my English and story skills. The unfortunate side is that I have had a few experiences that I am glad the majority have not.

I'm not super-creative, or spontaneous, but do have a lay-mans sense of humor. For the most part I'm pretty boring. I like to read, write, and drink, and smoke. Um, that and watch movies and television.

Never been a ladies man, have absolutely no sex appeal, and have been told that I look better in the dark.

I don't get all dressed up to be Goth. Shoes, a T-shirt, and some pants work fine. About the only times I will get dressed up is if I'm going out to dinner, a movie, or a special get together with friends.

My favorite music is my own music (not egotistical or anything). But, when I'm working on my own music I try not to listen to anyone else because I feel that can influence you away from originality. I like all kinds of music, even non-Goth music (go ahead and sue me).

I'm single. I've only been in one or two serious relationships in my life. People come and go, but, that is life. I thought about traditional marriage before but as times have changed, so have quality people with non-bullshit lives and goals. I like weird girls -or, I guess I mean the type of girls that don't look like every other popular standard of how a girl is supposed to look. I especially like "intelligent weird passionate girls". Girls that are beautiful because they took the road less traveled, and found their own sense of beauty.

I believe we live in a fucked up world, with bad authority figures, and piss-poor standards of living. All of these things could be better.

My college English teacher told me that, "You are tormented. You see the world the way it is, and the way it could be." That was the most enlightening truth that anyone had ever told me in my life.

The simple life is my favorite type of life. I can't stand people who make their lives so damn complicated and drama filled that they forgot what the fuck was up with living life.

It's strange for me to see people with great educations and opportunities, and for some reason, they always fuck it off for some bullshit. Sort of like if you have a Ph.D. in rocket science then, you decide to get a job as a garbage collector.

Um, what else. Oh! I like to drink (beer or whiskey, fuck wine). And I smoke (leave it up to you to figure that one out).

Most of the people I knew who "might have been Goth" eventually grew out of it. So, in my little area on this chunk of dirt and earth, I am an anomaly. A lone Goth in a poor unknown wasteland.

Think I'm to the point that if I could leave America, and start my life over somewhere else in the world, I would in a heartbeat. So, I guess I need to find a foreign woman to marry (any takers?).

But yea, thats me.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Gothicly Depressed

Hmm, never thought it would happen -Gothic Depression. Seriously. What are the chances of being a Goth, and, being depressed. I'd say the chances are as good as standing in front of an on-coming bus, and getting turned into a black puddle of eye-liner.

So, what happened. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. Since I am on this list-kick and shit, I'll put some down real fast as they roll out of my mouth as I type (How gay sounding was that? I'm not even gay.).

1) I realized that my wardrobe has a higher ratio of bright-colors to basic black.

2) Where I live, the rednecks, gangsters, and normal people will beat you down (verbally or physically) with anything they can. Sure, I can fight back. At some point, neither I nor Gothic Bruce Lee can take on a large drunken mob.

3) It really seems to be a waste of time to paint both of my eyes black. Don't get me wrong -there is a time and a place for everything. I realized that after it runs (or gets faded) everyone keeps asking me if I'm sick, or, if I got my ass kicked.

4) The signs on most gas-stations (small stores) say,"No shirt, No shoes, No service." Oddly enough, I have found places that seem to have an "invisible-sign" that says, "If you look like a Goth, expect to have these three things happen to you: get splashed with Holy-Water, have a large double-barreled shotgun pointed at you, the foreign person behind the counter will be more confused about how you look than understanding your American version of English." (Whew)

5) If you live out west, people will complain that you are "white" and not "orange"(spray-tan). If you live down south (Bible-belt), you will always be considered the "Anti-Christ"(A lost, pasty soul that needs to be spade, neutered, and saved.). If you live up North........well, I don't know what happens up North(everyone is pasty and white up there, I think.). If you live out East, um, you basically fit in with the rest of the hard, cold, souless..........um, well, you know what I mean.

6) I am not anti-feminist or whatever. But, shit, Goth has seen the male-ranks drop faster than black-lace panties, at a lesbian "all you can eat feast".

7) If modern stars at the top of the entertainment world are going to use and abuse Goth, shouldn't Goths be allowed the same credibility??? I know, I know -the answer is always going to be no. As if teeny-bopped flicks, soft-core-mainstream-erotica, and cute little CGI outlets is all Goth is ever going to be good for (fuck).

8) You know, there are times I just wished Goth would revert all the way back to the "Gothic-Barbarian-Days". No shit. This way we could get things strait, our strengths figured out, and real individualism out in the open and re-claim the Gothic Throne. No shit. Right now, it's just a Gothic-cluster-free-for-fuck-for-all.

9) I know it has always been this way, but hanging out with many modern "Gothic-Groups" is like hanging out with the girls from the movie "Mean Girls". Notice I didn't say anything about guys, because at some point, Goth has become so Androgynous (I have no problem with that), the girls and the guys all look the same.

10) So yea, I'm Gothicly Depressed. That is probably the most gothic thing that I have done today. Shit. Now I have to deal with fucking Emos and Punks too -great. That's fucking wonderful.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

GOTH CODE - 13 Meditations (Ver 1 2013)

Goth Code:

1) A Goth shall know some form of history. This history should include one of the following: etymology of the word(Goth), tracing various histories with Gothic attributions, be aware and study that of which includes aesthetics or ideology similar in comparison to Goth.

2) All Goth is inherently a form of "individualistic expressionism". One may emulate or imitate certain features of Goth in order to learn. When a person hath become a well-versed and experienced Goth, this person should strive to find their own individualized interpretation and expression of Goth.

3) Tolerance of Goths whose ideals, aesthetics, or whose mode of expression is entirely different, or opposite of your own, is amongst the highest of Gothic Virtues. This includes those of which who are not Goth.

4) Individual expression, education, and an extreme love for the truth of life should be at the core foundation of a Goths life of ethical and moral experience. For a Goth without some form of ethics or morals is nothing more than a "sheep in wolfs clothing".

5) Understand the difference between a "reality-based or fantasy-based" Gothic life-style. Be true and steady upon the path you walk.

5) Whether you wear costumes, make-up, or engage in "fantasy-wear", you can still be Gothic wearing regular everyday clothes. One person possessing 1/1000th of Gothic Virtue is worth more than 1000 Gothic afficianados.

6) Neither art, literature, music, clothes, or other external items makes a person Goth. Goth is a learned and internalized set of ideologies that influence the filters of our perception. Example: "There-fore when we chose to see through the lens of Goth, thus the world of Goth appeared before us."

7) Since Goth is a unique form of individualistic expression, one should seek their own ideal form of Goth and avoid collective imitation.

8) Be as objective as you are tolerant when in the company of other Goths unknown to you. This applies to those who are not Goth.

9) There are many forms of "Goth". Not all forms are composed of darkness. Some forms of Goth indeed include the "light". Just as there are various degrees of shade and hue, so are the many forms of the Gothic persona and archetype.

10) To ultimately understand the Goth-life experience is yet to be born, to live, and to die as a Goth. All others should digress from false imitation. Walking a false path never led to knowing oneself, or truth.

11) To understand Goth is to understand the external shell is literally and figuratively composed of "death". It is the internal visitude, the internal will to live; it is the internal nature of who you are that is the living embodiment of the Gothic creature. Life is decay in motion. Death is truly the end of life, and the changing of the terrestrial Gothic shell.

12) To journey across the abyss of formation, unto becoming Goth, is a journey of infinitesimal steps.

13) Goth is when you hath become no-less, no-more. You have passed the wall of barriers unto realizing who and what you are. Goth is the gate through which you enter, and the universe from which you pass. Goth is a discipline by-which you come to shape and mold who you are. Goth-life allows you to live to a fuller degree. Goth is all things: life and death, good and evil, light and dark, the existing and non-existent.


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Goth - Freedom of Identity and Expression (the Bourgeois; Proletariat)

        In Goth and other subcultures (or countercultures), freedom of identity and self-expression are what draw many people in. For some, it is a way or life, for others it is a trend, and there are those that turn Goth into a marketable business (extreme grey area).

     I have no political affiliations what-so-ever, but, I could not help but to think about the things stated in the "Communist Manifesto". But remember, I must state, this is just a pondering - a reflection. This in no way endorses my affiliations by what is stated here-in as far as communism. I will have to say that I could not help but to see the parallelism in our modern world -not to mention the under-currents of "world goth society".

It really does seem (now) as if there are two distinct classes of Goth: the bourgeois, and the proletariat. In other words, we have those that are the "influencing class and the slave-worker class". In a way, it really seems odd to think of it in that light, but it does make sense.

Marx: Communist Manifesto -
"It has pitilessly torn asunder the motley feudal ties that bound man to his “natural superiors”, and has left remaining no other nexus between man and man than naked self-interest, than callous “cash payment”.
   For a culture that prides itself upon openness, intelligence, and freedom of expression -have we purposely gone into using tools of "economic class warfare" in order to justify ranks and authority upon our own kind. But, it is true, and I say, "For a premium account on any given underground social network, YOU, yes YOU, can have all the power and authority you can purchase." Look, I am not saying all networks are bad, what I am saying is use your better judgement to decide if the network embraces it's ideals, or is nothing more than an online-storefront-business. If you make your living by providing something for the culture, based upon some form of ethics, morals, or aesthetics of that culture, then somehow there might worth in that.

And, I have to admit, yes, even I fell for that trip. My biggest disadvantage of being a life-long Goth is that, while I lived among the normal social class, there were never any of my own kind with which to engage. There might have been one or two dabblers, but none so-bound, to walk hand-in-hand along the "long dark mile". Even now, I am entirely alone, haven't had any Gothic company in well over 2 years. The places I live -it is either wasteland, or living among the poor, the hard-working, the wretched. I have spent more time in the "real Gothic world" than the "fantasy Gothic world". Believe me, there is a difference, and, I hope you never have to live it. Matter of fact, if I believe in a higher-power(like a god or some bullshit), I would even pray that you never have to live the life I have be so unfortunate to live.

Marx: Communist Manifesto -
"The bourgeoisie has torn away from the family its sentimental veil, and has reduced the family relation to a mere money relation."
If your Gothic friends are not the equivalent of your own family, then pray tell, who might be these nameless, faceless, heartless machines? Your cohorts in crime, perhaps business associates, users and dealers, or perhaps you and your empty reflection(?) (A cruel jest or is it?)

Marx: Communist Manifesto -
"Conservation of the old modes of production in unaltered form, was, on the contrary, the first condition of existence for all earlier industrial classes."
If we do not aspire to be more educated, evolved, and developed by "our own traditions", do we allow our kind to be assimilated? Who wants to be "one more one of many of nothings"?

Marx: Communist Manifesto -
 "The bourgeoisie has through its exploitation of the world market given a cosmopolitan character to production and consumption in every country."
When any of our kind buys into the very un-natural trends (coming from angles that could have in no way manifested inside our culture); are we nothing more than empty life-less characters who purchase meaningless fantasies, consumed without question, to fatten us up like sheep for the slaughter? When was the last time your pockets and work were more important to another than you?

I do not want to be apart of a state for which I am only a worker and slave. I do not want to be a Goth that works for the ruling-class (pseudo authoritarian Goths). Antagonism of our own kind should in no way be the means of our methods.

Marx: Communist Manifesto -
The development of Modern Industry, therefore, cuts from under its feet the very foundation on which the bourgeoisie produces and appropriates products. What the bourgeoisie therefore produces, above all, are its own grave-diggers. Its fall and the victory of the proletariat are equally inevitable.
In this last paragraph, I do believe it summarizes what will eventually happen within Goth. But, the irony is that, there will always be another set of "bourgeoisie" peddling fantasies, whether they be products, online social networks, music, and art.

I do believe that the intelligent Goth will be able to discern between the two.

The only revolution in Goth culture that I feel we need is more honor, respect, and intelligent guidance set by the example of those who are in a significant position to do so.

Out with the pseudo-Goth bourgeoisie, and hail to the life-loving, hard working Goth proletariat.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Modern Goths Ben-dover, roll-over, play-dead, Yay!

Modern Entertainment Industry Using and Abusing Goth and Underground Culture.

Or, are there a few among us that are selling us out to make a quick buck? I have no problems with people in the culture benefiting by what they do, that enhances and grows the culture. And, if you can make it a life career because you offer a real legitimate service to your own kind, that is "A-fucking ok by me".

"Dollar, dollar bill ya'll?" < R U Fucking kidding me?

Is it just me, or has there been an over-whelming amount of stars from the top side, coming on down (so to speak)? It really is no secret that some of the best fashions, styles of music, and other tricks and techniques usually bubble up to the surface, because someone either stole the idea, or sold-out the culture that it came from. No shit.

A large majority of pop, rap, and even country stars seem to be jumping on the Gothic band-wagon. I mean, really, I guess it's ok, come on in and sit by the Iron Maiden, while I pitch a fire, right?

And what about "Fifty Shades of Grey"???? Ok, to me that is just strait up double soft erotic literature. Really, when was it ever ok (even by our knowledge and standards) that the status quo now wants a slice, or maybe even a little taste?

I don't see me, you, or one of our kind giving lessons in underground culture at the local gym or normal social gathering. You don't usually see free BDSM class flyers right next to Yoga, or knitting or some shit.

Hell, you can't find any networks for underground subculture without it being a front for either money-grubbers, Law-enforcement, or psychologists of all fucking people.

Seriously, most people don't know how a majority of the most popular Gothic, BDSM, Vampire, and other subcultures of online social networking sites are a front, created by the people you not only least expect, but don't want to expect (Word to the Wise).

Well, just fuck me softly and call me Sally. With over 100+ years of underground erotica and literature, how come out of bum-fuck no-where does a book (Fifty Shades of Grey) like this just pops out and becomes a "world best seller"?

I don't see any major political group or religious activists stepping up and saying, "Damn this perversion of Satan to hell!!!" But lo and behold, if it was one of us, a Goth with real alternative life style literature, we would be fucking crucified at the judicial and politically correct societal stake~! (My god that was a fucking mouthful!)

If it was a piece of literature directly from our world and culture, any of us could see serious judicial or social trouble. What is it about all of the fucking double standards? It's ok as long as we call it entertainment, but if it's a real culture, life style, and people really do certain shit - the norms say, "Off with their heads!" And what is really hypocritical is that they go back to their politically correct elitist house-holds, and are doing the same exact dirty shit people have been doing since the ancient days of "bum-fuck-too".

For years, movies and literature have literally sucked the Gothic underground culture dry. And no, I'm not saying it is all bad either. But, the fact of the matter remains.

Are we the stereo-type that has become entirely "game" for any given star to make another quick buck off of? Shit, most artists in our underground can't get along unless they are either fucking or getting high together, so what the fuck is the real deal?

The only other thing I wonder about is that, we as a Gothic culture are not recognized politically, or even as a race, or a demographic. We are basically lump-summed together, made fodder for any screwed up research study, or some really shitty lower than B budget special on a documentary channel.

What the fuck is up and what the fuck is really going on?

Lately, I have been making attempts to reach out to other sites and people. Most of the sites don't reply back, or so many wacked out people have disturbed them so horribly, they don't want to answer any questions.

It's as if we have the best tool for communications (da interwebsz), but fucked if someone at least doesn't just write back and say,"Hi, nice to write you, fuck you, and just fuck off!" I mean, hey, that would at least be a start, right? I think so.

So, are we really that screwed in the dead-pooch (ug, disgusting). From Kesha, to Kanye, to Jay-Z, to even Taylor Swift wearing Gothic attire. I don't know, maybe we should allow them in right? What do you think? Most of our culture is totally shameless anyway. So, we could assimilate them, right??????

What the fuck is going on???????????????

Am I being to selfish just to want my own culture and people?

I know, I know, it's the great American Shame game, and I should just be fucking ashamed of myself, right? Right.

Shell Chat

Ultimate Gothic Industrial Playlist Three

Ultimate Gothic Industrial Playlist Two

Ultimate Gothic Industrial Playlist One

1920's - Desert Song

HP Lovecraft Cthulhu Music 1920's

The 1920's - "Let's MisBehave"

Betty Boop (Helen Kane) I wanna be loved by you

Front 242 - Headhunter

Einstürzende Neubauten - AUTOBAHN

Frontline Assembly - MindPhaser

Monday, June 24, 2013

Dimmu Borgir - Gateways

Acid Bath - Bleed me an Ocean (Live)

Garbage - Queer

Switchblade Symphony - Into the Sky

The Cure - Pictures of You

Björk - Army of Me

Bahaus - Ziggy Star Dust

Joy Division - Shadowplay

The Birthday Massacre - Red Star

Skinny Puppy - Paragun

Nine Inch Nails - The Perfect Drug

Gothika - Angels Trumpt

Tears for Fears

Goth - My personal take on it's worth and value (A small view)

Lynette June 24, 2013 at 7:31 AM 
This seems like an interesting blog. I like the questions you are asking and the topics you are engaged in. However, I'd love to see more personal analysis rather than the collection of various dictionary definitions. Even a summary of what worth and value mean to you would be great. Also, I'd love to see a follow up on the actual questions you asked- as they are interesting- and what some of the possible trends are.

So, if we want to go down that rabbit hole, fine, let’s talk about it a little bit. I must also say that I write on another blog which is more or less like my own diary. 

It is every bit as Gothic as this one.

Gothic worth and value to me is something the cookie-cutter, club-nonsense, and modern Goth culture will never understand. Gothic clones are a dime, a website, a stupid band, and a social network a dozen.  

To me, I feel I live in the real sense of “Goth”. I define “Goth Life” as having a high awareness of life, and understanding of the impermanence of life. The aesthetics of Goth (from the primitive barbarian tribes to present) give history and character, and expands upon Goth in such a way that, vast, almost encyclopedic volumes could be written. 

But, no Goth has truly lived long enough to see the riches of the culture they claim to be a part of –even me. Sadly though, most are generally stuck to the finite filters of their own awareness, their geographical location, and the times in which they exist. I think it is very hard to define something that is constantly changing and evolving (just like language and technology).

Most people involved in Goth (to me) have no more originality than all the pictures they voyeuristically enjoy, the empty meaning and message of the music they sing to, or how some like to play dress-up in order to justify something they can’t wrap their heads around. I am not saying this is true for all Goths, or the music, or the other gothic-luxuries that can only be indulged in after our necessities for survival are met first.

The modern Goth culture (parts of it like splinter-cells) want to lay no claim to the past historical violence, art, and lineage from whence they have come. As if saying something critical about Goths would impact their “Etsy, Mp3, and other D.I.Y. market sells” in a negative way, would be much like a serpent swallowing its own tail.

Goths (in this day and age), can we do nothing better than sell a fantasy, or, are we genuinely living a life of Goth, even by our own definitions(seriously)? 

In a way it is rather hypocritical I suppose, if you consider the type of nihilistic and horror laden entertainment diet, that has become the staple and trend of the “Gothic-blind-leading-the-Gothic-blind.” 

Whatever happened to the light, beautiful art (non-horror filled and blood-spattered), and the fact that you can be entirely “normal-looking” and yet still be a Goth? Is that idea to much for you to handle? If so, then what do you really know about Goth?

It is not unexpected with the modern Gothic ego(some, not all), as they think that they are somehow entirely original, and would love the chance to say that, “They are self-created.” Honestly, that is bull-shit, and the fact of the matter is that we all come from somewhere, influenced by something, changing, editing, and redefining our program as we go through the motions of life.

One of the most “Gothic thoughts” I have ever had was in the 1st grade. I remember looking around at my classmates and thinking, “Which ones of us will make it (live), and which ones of us would not (die).”I believe that came from watching animals kill one another in the wilderness. It made me see the rest of my life through filters of “hard-core, realistic reality”. It also allowed me to deprogram myself from the brain-washing of child-hood indoctrination, and learn to think “for myself”. The ability to think for oneself is one of the most important of “all Gothic-traits and values.”

From a very early age (5 yrs.), I knew I was different, would always be different, and would more than likely walk and live the life of the damned (nothing more Gothic than being damned). The house I lived in was decrepit, falling apart, built upon developed swamp-wasteland, changed over-time for those who couldn’t handle the raw untamed wilderness.  

There were nights that we didn’t use light, but used candles at night time. We did have electricity, but when you grow up in poverty –you learn to conserve, everything.  There was no air-conditioner or modern ventilation system. I loved to keep my window open all year long to look at the changing seasons of nature, the stars and the moon, and a board running from ground to window seal, so my cats could come and go as they please.

My Grandmother grew a garden in the backyard, raised chickens, and my favorite thing to do was raising wild, feral kittens. The thing I loved about feral cats is that, they would choose you –not the other way around. They were excellent killers and would take care of themselves, but if they loved you –you knew you were loved and would have a companion for life.

I learned quite a bit about life through learning about a garden. It makes you wise about the seeds that you sew.  Sometimes, I would take all my clothes off and run naked through the garden, eating whatever I wanted, while playing in the rich-tilled earth.  How romantically Gothic is that? To be able to throw your clothes upon the ground and partake of the fruits of the earth, is supremely Gothic.

I also learned that wild feral cats would kill chickens so quickly and methodically, from the view of a child’s eyes, you come to learn that the lines between life and death can be broken instantly –with or without reason. It was odd, but very true (in my eyes) that the ways animals murdered each other was no different from humans (or their reasons).

Growing up in a highly white-racist land, hurt compounded with bible-belt interest, on top of 50’s influenced peoples modest conservative values does in no way inspire one what-so-ever. But, you do learn pain –and, it just seems common place for American society’s culture to shame its own kind. Oddly enough, the ideological ethics and morals espoused by the status quo in no-way meet up to the hard, cold reality of the truth of the human creature.

I’ve never been rich, and the life I grew up in was entirely impoverished, without two loving mature parents, yet, I was raised by an old woman holding on to the last few dust-like remnants of her own life. 

My Grandmother raised me most of my life. Her, and her senior friend who lived in a old cabin across the street, who was from another chapter of history, made my clothes. We never had money to buy new clothes, let alone all the monetary delights of the grocery store. I never realized how many bloody, pin-pricked fingers, bled upon cheap cloth, and with all the love for me that, they would suffer without complaint.

I can tell you that every article of clothing I had as a child, was hand-made, baptized by blood, and forever sewn into my heart, and the masterful stitches that never stop bleeding.

In an old closet, and all over the house, were old books. Some were from the 17th century and forward. So, while other children had toys, friends with the same, and parents who gave them everything, I was usually reading. If I wasn’t reading, I was in the deep forests paying homage to ancient trees, discovering groves of trees and cemeteries you won’t find on maps. But, in the forests, the same violence that I saw in people was the same violence that I saw in the viciousness of animals. It was at that time that, I knew there was really no difference between humans and animals, no matter how enlightened either group claimed or demonstrated.

I learned to play piano early on. We had an old upright piano, whose keys when played upon sang as sweetly as the ghosts who sung their death songs whilst I played. Have you ever heard a piano key sound the harmonics of the beauty of life and death? Have you ever sang a song that had no key, and yet every key was a song in and of itself? Do you know what it is like to play an old upright piano in one room, while your sacred beloved is literally dying in the room, right behind the wall? Rest well my love.

My life, life memories, and the love of those who have past –they were all highly Gothic in nature. I remember dancing with a red-haired fairy, under purple moon-light , on the ice of her drive way. Of all the people around me, she was the only one who wanted me, and would take me to the edge and back. She loved my own difference; my strength to be who and what I was directly in the face of bible-belt society.  She begged me not to go once. Little did I know there would come a day that she would be dead, and I would permanently scar my knees falling upon a gravel drive-way screaming her name.

The Value of Goth,….. is that it allows me to more fully realize life. And, has always been an influence upon me musically and artistically.I find worth in Goth-life because I know I have lived an actualized story of all the splendors of the Gothic life and death, and am amused when you think there is anything to benefit of. Forget not, if you are damned to live a life as a Goth, you will suffer, and, there will be much suffering. It is entirely romantic, but never in the way you think it will be, and when your days are at an end, you “might” understand what I am saying.

Culturally speaking, Goth (to me) has always been one of those proverbial "under-dog" societies (exactly like me). Artistically , musically, and in literature, there will be those certain creators who play out everything Goth because it is the taboos that scare them, and unfortunately is the hidden underworld of fetish and desire. The "norm society" wants to have these experiences, but like any repressed society, uses and abuses those life-characters and experiences, then damns and curses all of it in the same breath. Just like what has been done to me in my own life. I think the biggest difference between my life of Goth, and others is that, I didn't consciously choose this path, but god-damned if I haven't suffered, enjoyed, lived and died every fucking moment of it. But really, who is to say what is, or what is not Goth? You? Me? Who then?

Perhaps,……..this small story will give you an insight, albeit a small-view into my worth and value of being Goth. Ultimately, the worth of Goth is the worth of the life you live, and its value is in the enjoyment of living it until you die. How entirely true and Gothic is that? It is Goth, I am Goth,..........

Goth, I lived there, I died there.