Thursday, August 10, 2017

Aug 10th 2017 Reflections

...After interactions with the general public and people close to me, the idea occurred to me that the study of "Demonology and People" are not that different at all. Both seem to deal with suffering, and how we inflict and self-inflict on ourselves and others -knowingly or not.

Demons like people will come at you from any and every direction. Sometimes people like demons are gunning for you through proxy attacks by those you least expect -how tragic and sad. Almost all of the evils attributed and committed by various demons apply directly to people as well. Also, if you attempt to become a better person, the attacks seem to increase. You get called "Holier Than Thou", a "do-Gooder", an "Embarrassment", and essentially worthless to anyone who supposedly considered you "worthy".

It's really, really hard to be a better person when you are struggling and doing everything in your limited power to do so. It is intensely painful -I feel pain everyday. It is extremely difficult because everything is so "gray" and there are no real "right or wrong ways" --- I feel lost, alone, and extreme suffering so much just like so many other people. It literally kills me to know how many are suffering, that I can't do anything about it, and have no certain way to mitigate my own suffering. And no, I don't want to say "that's reality" because I think that is what people who give up say, and that I can not agree with. You can not say there is not a better way until you have proven there is not. I have to admit the quest can make you want to give up. Perhaps this is why I do not seek the fruit of action.

I feel like I am a trillion miles away from people on the other side of the universe in a lost unknown dimension. Like a reflecting god trapped inside a box of infinite mirrors.

In no way what-so-ever do I want anyone to suffer as I know even the littlest form of suffering is too much. I can only wish, pray, and meditate that all escape suffering and attain enlightenment because it is the only thing I can realistically do.

I used to love to socialize all the time. Now, not so much. I never wanted to distance myself from people or the world but, at some point you realize how "weak and powerless" you are to certain forms of abuse and manipulations.

Yes, I was the "free-spirited", crazy-fun-loving, naive type of person. I guess in many ways I still am. I will admit to being subject to powers beyond my ability to understand or control: Loss of love, death and death of loved ones, trying to understand what I can't understand, and attempting to hold on to people and things that were so dear to me.

I'm not the same now I was a second, a day, a year ago. It is as if each day is the continuous "ritual of death and rebirth."

At this point, I meditate, focus on the "clear light", seeking to liberate myself from my "Ego-self" and any and all issues I may or may not suffer from.

The more time I spend in meditation the more I can wisely discern between the lesser grosser aspects of material/materialism, and at times soberly and clearly see through things and see all things.

Our world -and internet, cell-phones, gossip/rumor mill- keep our lives and heads spinning, it is a wonder if anyone can think, live, or exist to some degree without painful distortion.

There was a time I thought of the destruction of my body, mind, and life as a bad thing. Although, I now feel that perception was more of a "ego-program" designed to mitigate what will eventually happen to us all. It does speak to our level of unhealthy ego and attachment to the world and ourselves.

A couple days back while meditating, I completely disappeared -so to speak- and I was not. It wasn't painful, or full of suffering but -when I...came back I guess you could say...for the first time I was able to clearly acknowledge the ability to walk between the worlds and "leave this self behind."

The sad thing about climbing the "great ladder" is that of retrogression. It seems we can make great strides with or without effort, although, to watch it all crash down speaks to "the wheel of suffering" which I am convinced we must escape.

At no other time in my life have I paid attention to life or people in the same way I do now. As fleeting and as impermanent and as transient as all things are, I am conflicted by the tragedy and fragility of our lives and this world.

It is crazy to watch yourself fall apart over time, and yet, in other ways come into elevated fruition. I suppose it would not be so bad if so many were not possessed by "demons" whether self-created or otherwise. It is not so much binary as it is a never-ending infinite gradation of interwoven forces.

Right now, I am between the worlds of "suffering and liberation".
Post a Comment