Saturday, June 10, 2017

Self-reflection...long hard road out of hell

(Just a vent/reflection, not a crisis) Damn, ha.

When you are "Dead to the World" and "Uncomfortably Numb" -shit, life becomes "living death."

I'm absolutely convinced that the powers of this world do not give a flying fuck about any of us. Word.

And, the hard thing about being "a person and human" in these days is that, "No one wants to be real or themselves, and would never admit to being human." It would be an instant guilty death sentence.

At times, it seems impossible to explain to anyone who you are when life is one continuous state of change. It has been a struggle day to day to exist, be thick-skinned, and take on the world in the same merciless and heartless way it comes at us all.

How do you say, "I'm doing good/ok. I'm not hurting myself or anyone. I'm living one day at a time mitigating suffering, and at times holding on for dear life. I'm not the same but I want to think I'm a much better person than I used to be." How the fuck do you say that let alone people believe it???

Even if time passes on, and you become your own "Alpha Idealistic Ideal," the realization is that very few, if next to no-one will give a flying fuck about you one way or the other.

People only love "Winners". People only want the fantasy of "their way and ideal" which essentially leaves you either fucked up, or eager to give a fuck even more so than the person who told you they don't give a fuck about you.

Shit, I hate to think like this, but, do I live in denial of the way the world and people are?

It's like you can't say you are sorry, you can't expose yourself, you can't say you live or have feelings -and then if you do, the world fucking devours you.

I'd rather have friends than enemies. I'd rather have lovers than haters. I'd rather have a life than this fucked up day-to-day humdrum.

Of course I can have "feelings" and regrets, and sadness, and weakness -but all of that essentially equals shit with I don't know how many people but, unfortunately I have experienced them all.

How the flying fuck do you say, "I never meant for my life to go this way, let alone come off any less fucked up than you."

It's like with Lovers. You love them, you fuck them, and it all seems to end in the same god-damn flames that it all began.

Today's "politically correct" - the fucking "religiously correct" - all the divisions we make up to separate ourselves from one another -I really feel that it is all one big-refried bowl of shit.

Loneliness -it fucking kills me. But, what am I supposed to do? I'm not interested in justifying myself, or faking it til I make it. Society -it's cool if you can "get in where you fit in" but what happens when that place does not exist?

Compassion/Regret/Forgiveness - I have studied hundreds of books on religion and philosophy. Honestly I haven't found one person who practices what they preach.

It is even hard to say to people, "I don't know if you realize how much you meant to me, and I know it has been a while but - I fucking miss the shit out of you. No, I don't remember everything that happened. No, I don't hate you. Yes, I think we were both good and fucked up at the same time. Yes, we both had ups and downs...it's just a long time to hurt -even if I have to play fucking "cold and dead to the world."

When you "succeed" if ever you do well -at what price? There were a handful of people in my life that I sincerely and whole-heartedly wanted to "go all the way with". Maybe I'm just fucking naive. Who knows?

With "Lovers" - When you are a guy, "You are either Alpha (Super Monster Big Dick Dream Boat Millionare), or you get fucked off with "13 flavors of societal emasculation." Girls love you when they think you are on. The moment Godzilla Millionare Dong comes along...you're fucked buddy.

Of course, I have to admit than many girls/women/ladies probably go through just as much crap too. In this day and age girls/women/ladies are held to just as many unreal expectations as well. Honestly, I can't fully comprehend or even begin to imagine what they go through.

Mistakes - I don't know one person who hasn't made any. But, it is ball-smashing when you become the scapegoat justification that other people use for why "you are fucked up" and the world is fucked up.

At this time, I stay busy -socially outcast, hollow, numb, feeling non-existent, constantly reflecting on the past with wisdom to do better. Situationally, I am aware of others, do what I can, and keep shit as real as possible except when I'm working hard creatively hustling with all I know.

If I could go back and change all my "fucked-up-ness," I would. If I could go back and correct bad situations I've had with other people -fuck, I would have already done it. The irony is that there is no going back. People will either forgive and forget, or hate your guts and say, "Fuck you forever."

Everyone has regrets. Anyone who says they don't is a liar.

When I go out in public, I wonder what kind of life people are living. When I see families or couples, I wonder what's that like. As a Goth, a fucking lone Goth...a stranger in a strange land -it's hard to tell the difference between what is savage and what is native.

No, I wouldn't love to fake it til I make it. No, I don't want to be perfect. No, I don't want to be fucked up forever. Life is just to entirely fucked up and complex and insane to make sense of.

Music, art, photography, writing self-education - that's all I really feel I have.

Wished a lot of different shit and people wouldn't have passed me by, and cursed and damned me to hell.

Don't get me wrong as only less than a handful of people still exist in my life. It's hard watching life chew them up and spit them out. It's hard wishing that the life and people you used to know are -somehow still doing well, out there in this forsaken world.

It's like I'm a Ghost going through the motions. It's like I'm..."A Goth in the Shell."

At times, I wished my nightmares would stop.

I used to have dreams of many worlds, simple dreams: a cool career, a place to call home, a companion, something that resembled a family but not stereo-typically defined.

On a positive side, set some small goals of making a few music mixes, so far so good.

I think short-term. I am situationally aware.

I would say I'm doing ok but, I think I'm here in limbo.

It's a long hard fucking road out of hell.
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