Is it just me, or does listening to some classic Goth Rock/Metal inspire you? It's like driving down back-roads getting drunk or high with your best friends. And, at the same time listening to all the underground Metal or other styles of music that confirm how truly alive you are.
Type-O-Negative "October Rust" album is one of those albums that brings out the: fear, the pain, the happiness, the joy,...the love. I remember and feel so much when I listen to this album.
R.I.P. P.S. -Sometimes I wish they were still around. Makes me think about all the friends and few lovers that I have ever had.
It's not October yet, but...I feel the cold(not a bad chill) of remembrance and reflecting on life(as if I ever stop reflecting). What is is that makes us, us? What happens to all of our memories when we are no more, or sadly by chance we forget them?
What price would you pay or what would you do in order to feel everything that felt so right to you?
If you could go back in your life and correct things, or start your life over again, what would you do?
If you lost someone, or someone died, and you could say anything to them right now, what would you say? (I would say I love you and hug them as long and as hard as I could.)
One time my friend got some Mezcal. Kind of bad to go to the bathroom and start tripping. Everything kind of flies out of both ends, and then you realize how far up in the air you are when you sit on the pot (gross, I know right?).
Anyway, during my experience(trip) I saw everyone and everything I loved. Then, it seemed as if I was viewing my entire life and memories "through the pipes." I've been taught to be cold, unemotional, and as tough as all the other bad-ass men in the world. But, I realize they all die no matter how bad they are.
Now, I just want to live -by the powers that be all I want is to live in freedom and peace. To be able to experience all the beauty of life and have great experiences. It's been a hard ride to be myself as it is for all people.
Lately, think I punish myself more for not taking out more time and making more quality experiences with the people who have meant the most to me. Being a human-animal-creature-thing is the most confusing and easy thing to fuck up in the entire world.
Maybe...I'm fucked up like everyone else because I don't know any other way. Maybe...I'm pure and sanctified because I see what the world is and what it is not. Maybe...I'm alone because I'm cursed and damned by other cursed and damned people who have failed at life but consider my failures worse than there own.
In the end, well...it is not over until it's over. And, we just do whatever we do in the mean-time(mean time, get it?).
Right now, beautiful Type-O music in my ear, this screen, pouring through thoughts that might mean nothing to anyone but me, used by my enemies and haters to destroy me, laughed at by those more elite and intelligent than me -----but, in this moment ---all my family, my friends(most now past or gone away), these few empty breaths ----my empty cold lips....
..."through the pipes of my memories, I reach out to live". Think something has happened to me, something I don't understand. Like I know and feel everything is ok and has a reason even if I never understand it.
Although I am alone, despised, and think good thoughts(moral character and all) maybe at some point in my small life of humility, maybe hope and good things will smile on me.
I have been thinking/Meditating(if you will) on eight words. No religious or philosophical links. Just words to think on. They are:
Faith - Maybe aspire to think greater thoughts for others and ourselves.
Moral excellence - Maybe be strong enough to have good character.
Knowledge - Always study and learn (I'm slow so I always need to improve this one.)
Temperance - Moderation in all things I guess.
Patience - Be able to stand resolute, understand cycles of time, and be willing to deal.
Godliness - Um, maybe just an idea to shoot for in being the best we can be as people.
Brotherly/Sisterly Kindness - Simple being good to other people (helps in a world like this.)
Love - Perhaps the greatest treasure we can ever experience or know (One day I will find this.)
To all my friends and family, and Goths -maybe one day we can have the best. Maybe things can be better than memories and yet, maybe we will be able to make the best memories that live beyond the veils of life and death.