Life is a trip. We all know this. The moment you step up to bat, strike-out, and wonder about all the opportunities we missed. I have wanted to go back and say I'm sorry. There isn't anyone I know of that doesn't have some form of regret -unless maybe you haven't live a full-ranging life.
I've made more mistakes than I could ever count. It has been said,"To be human is to forever err." Day by day, I shape up, learn to do better and treat others as best as humanly possible -but, it isn't always easy.
A teacher told me once that I seem trapped or conflicted. She said,"You see the world the way it is, and yet, see the world how it could be." Talk about one of those ultimate moments of truth. It was like being struck by zen-like-lightning.
All I can do now is fully live in the moment, keep peace and happiness however I can, and roll with punches and hope that I can survive my injuries.
Strange, I still feel the need to put others before myself as I never really felt that I was that important. Loneliness is my greatest fear, and, I also fear that I will never be with someone and loved as deeply and as passionately as I love them. I fear I will lose everything, grow old and alone, never know true love, and never have had the chance to share my life and make good memories.
At one time I used to be happy-go-lucky and care free. Now, I live in a constant fear of doing wrong things. Now, I live in constant fear of loneliness. Now, I haven't had enough good quality relationships to even remember what Love is supposed to be or feel like. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but -I think good friends and companionship are used and abused and not given the importance in this world that they should have.
For all the good friends I have ever had, "I thank you, miss you, and I hope you will forgive my trespass."
For the very few lovers I have had, "Thank you for sharing those moments. Thank you for over-looking and accepting my imperfections. I hope you can forgive me if I have ever loved you wrong."
For all my teachers, "Please forgive me for being so slow to learn. It takes me a while since my learning-curve is pretty much strait-up. I do my best not to forget your lessons. I have no idea what I would have done without you. Your slow, but loving student."
For everyone else, "I have no idea what you really know or think of me. But, I hope somewhere in your memories of me there is a light or ray of happiness. I wish you the best of all hopes, of all wishes, and a perfect life always and forever."
It is hard to be real with people and open up. The moment you say or do something that might be considered weak, you get labeled weak -or worse if you make a mistake. I do honestly wish for a chance to have that second chance we all dream about. For once, I do wish for love, not to be alone, not to be scared of other people, and live my life with some form or love or peace.
I have changed all my ways for the better. I can see it and feel it in my heart and who I am, but there are many who do not feel or see me as changed. It really feels like I have to embrace the hardest lesson of "letting go" -so to speak. Maybe all we can do is live this thing crazy thing called life. Personally, on the coldest stage of realness, I'd almost settle for one perfect moment of love.
Changed, but Chased by Disbelief (Poem)
It's true -I can tell you that I have changed my ways
Looking back moving on past the last of days
People don't want to believe you have changed your-self
It all comes down to what you got in looks or wealth
My music peers always tell me write to a heart beat
In this moment I seek forgiveness wisdom becomes what is sweet
If I could have those good times again you bet I would
If I could have known my true unknown friends and lovers I'd make it all very good
We strap ourselves down and others trap us to past deeds
All I'm doing now is looking to plant the right virtues of future seeds
I let go of my ego and what it was that I was
No need to hang on to failure like an excuse of words just because
When my feet have stumbled I learned what it was to loose it all
Strait Strutting a strait path is the higher road to that Heavenly call
I've never had nothing so I know how to make the moment last
All of my words become musical to stand against the darkness cast
In this moment I truly want to tell those I wronged how sorry I am
Too many moments had me unfocused to the burden laden jam
As many as I know tears are something I should never cry
Hard when all the fire and smoke begin to cloud your eyes
Swallowed my pride and learned hard how to forget and forgive
To all the people I have ever known or loved I hope life offers the best of what it has to give
At this moment, through all my tears, I let it all go and send out Pure Love.