The closet was full of books from the 17th century on to the present. Although it was not much of a house, it was adorned with all the decor of a by-gone age. My Grandmother raised me, frail, religious, waiting 30+ years to be re-united with her husband past -the Grandfather I never knew. I read the letters, the cemetery plot documents, family history going all the way back to the three Mary's. When she died, we had lost almost everything, and the few small things that remained we placed into storage, which was eventually lost.
It is hard to grow up in poverty, pushed the limits of survival, and yet entered into a world that is Goth, and yet as a child never knowing. Graveyards were places of mystery, but also the place where our bodies are placed into a hole, and those who miss you -whoever that might be- say sweet nothings and cry, if, they do cry that is.
I don't think Goth was a conscious decision I ever made or set out to be. Most of my clothes were hand-made, the house I grew up in was always falling apart, the neighbors all from by-gone generations......I grew up upon the dust and bones of a forever lost.
When you grow up in poverty, everyday is a struggle, middle-class and rich people can never fathom or even remotely begin to understand. Perhaps a real understanding of Life and Death, knowing extreme pain and hardship, and knowing that hurt is beyond just a word or a feeling...........this way, I have walked.
Some might compare truth Goth with Realistic/Stoicism/Survive; the darker aspects of our world don't need to be fantasized, or imagined. No, they can be enjoyed -if you will- while reading books falling apart in the midst of poverty and life-deprivation, looking at the on-goings of the world from afar, while suckling upon the bones and remains of what is given unto you.
Even to this day, I see the world how it is, and yet, struggle with how I know it can be. Goth is as much about the Light as it is the Darkness, but, only the Darkness seemed to be Romanced by rebellious types, and those who think it is a cute and clever life-style to emulate. The most Gothic people I have ever known never wore black, make-up, or any attempt to dress up as if everyday were Halloween.
I once worked as a sales representative/funeral director for about 2 weeks. After those two weeks, I saw more bodies, more death, and more suffering than is entertained as fun and glorious on any social network. Bodies frozen like ice, bodies of children bloating from summer heat, bodies pushed up from the ground because of the water-table, bodies burnt to be put into urns, bodies buried on top of bodies and graves long forgotten on the cemetery placement plot.
Death is neither Romantic nor Glorious. It is the end. Death is the end of a life-long protracted period of dying. Death is what we all have to look forward to when our life, and long period of protracted dying is over. It is better to live in truth and I feel that is what living a Goth life is about.
Anne Rice once said to go where the pain is in order to write things that were real, that spoke truth, things that were not just stories, but realities.
So, why choose to live a Gothic Life? I say it is better to live in truth than to live in a constant state of imagination, or, self-denial.
We only know our Freedoms by the Limitations we have imposed upon us. Freedom also implies separation. So, what are we attempting to separate ourselves from, or do we come to realize the extant of the Gothic-Shell, the hardest truth, the ultimate zenith of our lives that will end in Death.
To be free from dying, which is life, perhaps equals the Freedom of Death. Freedom From the false illusions and denial we hold in life -these are the things we as Goth separate ourselves from.
For there is no Shadow with Obstacle, nor Darkness without Light, and no Life without Death.
As above, so below, the Pendulum will forever sway to the truest will of our direction. That is why those of us who live by such a path seem so different from others.
Pain, I know pain. If you want to know pain, try on my skin for a while and see if it wears well.
Because ultimately, Goth is a choice to live or die, and for the most part to live truthfully until we die.